I Am Vader (PG)

By : cereth

Archived on: Monday, August 27, 2001

Vader's thoughts as he ceases to be Anakin Skywalker and becomes Darth Vader.

Pain. Fear. Rage.

They are all I know, consuming every fiber of my being and enveloping me in the cold embrace of the dark side. Like a cancer they pervade my every molecule, yet without them I am weak. Pain courses through my ravaged body, plunging down to my very soul. Fear enshrouds me, bringing with it tremendous despair. Rage burns in the deep, dark pit where my heart used to be. They menace and control me, yet without them I would die.

They are all I know.

Where am I, who am I? They are questions whose answers are lost to me. The dark side of the force is there, the only thing that seems familiar to me. I am like a newborn infant, afraid and alone, weak and insecure.

I must open my eyes, I must know.

Blinding light sears my mind as my eyes open and if I could make a sound I would scream. I feel something in my mouth, in my throat forcing me to breathe. The pain is all encompassing, from the pits of my soul to the tips of my fingers. I try to move my head but my body does not respond. The blinding white light is everywhere and I am lost in it. I close my eyes for the dark comfort it brings.

I remember Fire.

I remember the burning now, the fire that destroyed my body. I can remember plunging into the fire, lava splashing across me. I can feel it consuming me just as rage had consumed me from the inside. I should have died there, but the dark side had other plans, keeping me there on the rocky precipice, saved by a hair's width from total submersion in the burning lava. My body was utterly destroyed, but still I lived on. I remember his face, the one who left me for dead.

His name is Kenobi.

It is starting to come back to me now, the clash of lightsabers and the thrill of facing your enemy in combat. The very mountain quaked with the ferocity of our battle, Master versus Apprentice. Hatred for my former Master raged deep within the core of my being. I'd lost everything of importance in my life because of the self-righteous Jedi. They stood against me from the beginning and in the end took everything from me, my mother, my own body, and her...

Her name was Padme.

They forbade me from marrying her with their pious Jedi-Code, but I would not listen. Our love was more powerful than any code. And then they tried to take her away from me, like they had taken everything else. They were only jealous because I had found a love they knew they would never have, could never have. But I would not let them keep my own wife from me, and I fought to have her back, and she was caught in the middle.

Her blood shall forever be on their hands.

I will one day make Kenobi regret not finishing me off. Of all the hatred that burns inside of me, my hatred for him burns the brightest, like the center of a supernova. I will not stop until, through the power of the dark side, I make my body whole again. I shall hunt down every Jedi until their very existence is wiped from the universe. I will savor the look of horror on their faces as they realize it is I who bring their doom. One day, I will enjoy ending my former master's existence.

I am alive, but where am I?

It is excruciatingly painful opening my eyes again, but I have to know. I can sense others near, but I can hear nothing. They are busy, tending to me. The blinding light is almost unbearable, but I keep my eyes open. I have to know what was happening. The world around me slowly comes into focus and I am in a bright white, sterile chamber of some sort. I can sense that I am suspended, hanging from various wires and cables that are the only things keeping me alive at the moment. And then I feel the dark presence of someone else...

"I am your master now," speaks his voice in my head.

"Yes," I answer silently. I can feel his power. His dark and overwhelming presence is comforting. He is the only one with the answers I seek. He reassures me that it was all the fault of the treacherous Jedi, and that together we will rid the galaxy of them. He will make me whole again. Then I remember something someone had said to me once.

"Your focus determines your reality."

That had come from Qui-Gon Jinn, and now I know that he was more right than he could possibly have known. That had been a different time, and I am a different person now. No longer am I the wide-eyed nine-year-old, filled with burgeoning potential or the padawan learner intrigued by the promise of the Force. Much has changed and I am no longer Anakin Skywalker. That name holds no meaning for me now. Those who have taken everything from me will tremble in my path. From this point forward, all that hear my name will cower in fear.

Anakin Skywalker is dead.

I am Vader.

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