Date posted: 12/15/2008 6:29:24 PM
nice, tightly written, beautifully paced. characters really stand out, and you create a very real very gritty coruscant. lovely read.
Date posted: 12/17/2008 4:37:23 PM
Very nicely written. I was immediately drawn into Kev's character, and was very concerned about his and his wife's future. Bokur was very intriguing too, and the story never let me stop wondering what was under the surface with him.
Date posted: 1/30/2009 10:57:27 PM
I like the connection you made between the behavior of an Imperial spy, secluded from when he/she was young, to the similar behavior and upbringing of a Jedi.
Author: Caliburn of Avalon
Date posted: 4/4/2009 11:38:27 PM
Caliburn of Avalon's Comments:
Okay. I'll start off by mentioning that I was interested in the idea you presented here. However, your presentation was lacking in most fields I expect in a story.
First off, there is far too much dialogue. There is almost no narration, and minimal descriptions. I do not know what anyone looks like, what they wear, how they sound, what anything smells or sounds like, or anything at all.
It's like reading a script that has no stage commands. Although the idea is solid and the storyline promising, without proper narration and details, the story is ultimately a flop.
My suggestion: edit this and remove about half of the dialogue. It's mostly unnecessary. And even if you feel that the dialogue is important, you really need to add as many details about each character, each location, the ship, and everything else as you can.
A good rule of thumb: apply each of the five primary senses (taste, touch, sight, sound, smell). If you can tie the reader's senses to what the characters are sensing, it adds a level of realism and captivity to the the story and keeps them wanting to read more.
Character Depth: 1/5
Overall Follow-Through: 2/5