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Gungan to the left

It Is My Own (G)

By : HandmaidenEirtae

Archived on: Monday, July 14, 2003

Anakin reflects as he puts on the armor of Darth Vader for the first time.

I'm holding a skull in my hands.

It's black and shiny, and if I turn it the right way I can see my distorted reflection in its concave cheek. I'd prefer not to. After the Imperials rescued me from that fiery lake, I refused to look at myself in any mirror. Losing my arm to Dooku had been nothing compared to losing my body in that pit Obi-Wan had thrust me in.

I saw the horrified looks the medics gave me when I was first brought in. I am a monster now. I had been ashamed to wear a mechanical arm, but now I have more circuits than real flesh. Emperor Palpatine has provided me with new armor to put on before I have to leave the medical lab, armor that will help me to walk and talk and... live. The medics had to help me with the body armor, but I sent them away after that. I wanted to look at my new face before I put it on.

Its eyes are black and empty, like pits. They seem utterly empty. My eyes are blue; Padm?'s are brown. She has these huge eyes, and when I used to look in them I didn't need the Force to know what she was thinking. Her eyes always shone with love. I wanted our daughters to have brown eyes so I could watch little angels like her.

We'll have no children now.

I shift the skull, hoping to catch a reflection of light in those opaque eyes, but they remain as black as ever. Whenever people look at me, they will see this skull. They will see it and wonder if it is theirs, leering up at them from the grave. Those rebels against the Emperor, the hated Jedi, those who have betrayed me, shall quake at the sight of the skull.

My lips twist into a smile. Obi-Wan will see it. Before I strike him down for all the wrongs he has done me, he will look at the skull in horror. I see him now, in my mind's eye, backing away from me, from looming doom.

His face blurs and morphs into another's. Will my Padm? see this skull? Never. She shall never know death, for angels never die. But I'd hide my face before letting Padm? see me like this. Such beings of light like angels cannot stand the darkness of death. She'd take flight rather than see this skull.

I turn the skull over in my hands, but I can feel little through my gloves. I'm wearing my black gloves, black cape, and black armor. I need only put on this skull, and I will be Lord Vader, black knight of the Sith. I'll take my place beside my new master; my power will rise beyond all.

And Anakin Skywalker will finally die.

He's already dead, I remind myself angrily. He was first beaten by Tusken raiders, then torn apart in grief when Padm? left. Whatever was left of Anakin Skywalker after that melted away in that volcanic hell, where Obi-Wan had been prepared to strike him down. Anakin Skywalker died in that pain.

There is no pain with the Emperor. There is anger and hate and maliciousness - but there is no pain. He defies me to turn my hurt into raw power. Only this way, he says, will I reach my full potential, will I be able to master this gift that has been given to me. The Emperor has given me the power to stop the pain, and I have given him the only thing left over, my anger.

A devil's deal, but one I'm willing to make.

I lift the helm, ready to fix it on my shoulders, when it finally catches the light of something. I wonder what bright object has finally forced a reflection in those empty eyes. I look closer, and horror dawns on me with a disquieting knowledge. My own face stares back at me, white and pale, thin and pocked, distorted, disfigured, and ugly. This mask may bring terror to my victims, but it is not really their charred skulls they'll see.

This skull is my own.

Original cover by . HTML formatting copyright 2003 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 8.28 in 267 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: HandmaidenEirtae  (signed)
Date posted: 7/14/2003 8:21:15 PM
HandmaidenEirtae's Comments:

*wave* Hallo, everyone! I'm glad I snuck in here first, to give credit where credit is due. I'd like to thank all my betas (and my goodness were there a lot), more particularly FernWithy and Tych_Sel. And Rhonderoo for doing the cover art. She was great, especially with dealing with me. ;)
You are all the best, and helped a ton in getting this piece into the archive!
PS. Submit to submitting! *winks at Crest*

Author: Mara
Date posted: 7/14/2003 10:35:58 PM
Mara's Comments:

An interestering story. I never had much insight on how Anikin felt first looking at the armor he wore.

Author: Dark Kanos
Date posted: 7/15/2003 6:23:27 AM
Dark Kanos's Comments:

"I like this kind of fan fiction not to short for a lunch break read. Well writen, excellent feeling. I now have goosebumps and it seems like R.L. Stine wrote the story!"

Author: Viari Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 7/15/2003 8:09:24 AM
Viari Skywalker's Comments:

Terrific job on this vignette, Lyd! I really loved it, and I think you did a wonderful job of capturing the moment when Vader outs on his dreaded armor. Very good!

BCMan, I don't think you need to make personal comments like that. Negatives about the story are fine, but remarks about the author's life have no place here.


Author: Jauyhzmynn
Date posted: 7/15/2003 8:29:54 AM
Jauyhzmynn's Comments:

Wow. Nice insight into Anakin's/Vader's mind.

Thanks. 10 out of 10 stars In my humble opinion. :-)

Author: Nade_Naberrie  (signed)
Date posted: 7/15/2003 8:37:50 AM
Nade_Naberrie's Comments:

Haunting last line, Eirtae. *shivers* Congratulations on your second archived piece! I look forward to seeing more from you!

Author: bobill
Date posted: 7/15/2003 10:18:19 AM
bobill's Comments:

Wow, great fic! I love the analogy w/ the mask being a skull, very realistic! And I like how already he is starting to chide Obi-Wan and all the other Jedi... so like Vader!

Author: Destiny  (signed)
Date posted: 7/15/2003 12:06:16 PM
Destiny's Comments:

Nade_Naberrie stole my thought! *grins*

Wow... that last line was absolutely chilling. It must have been a rude shock to see his face for the first time, after refusing to look at it for so long.

Poor Ani... "There will be no children now."

If he only knew...

Great job, HandmaidenEirtae! :p

Author: Rep
Date posted: 7/15/2003 1:19:42 PM
Rep's Comments:

That was fabulous, Eirtae (did I spell that right? :P ). Great job in expressing Anakin's thoughts realistically.

I will now go look for your other fic. :D

Author: JediPug1  (signed)
Date posted: 7/15/2003 6:47:56 PM
JediPug1's Comments:

What a great story! I've often wondered about what Anakin thought of what he had become and your story gives me some pretty good ideas about his state of mind. Nicely done.

Author: gimpwith theforce
Date posted: 7/15/2003 8:06:34 PM
gimpwith theforce's Comments:

i don't usually read internet crap but this was good. very good. i tip my invisible hat to you. good show.

Author: PiperCharmedRon
Date posted: 7/16/2003 11:08:53 AM
PiperCharmedRon's Comments:

WOW!!! Never had I read a story on Anakin's point of view as he puts on his Darth Vader armor for the very first time and the feelings and thoughts he has as he puts it on.Impressive young padawan.LOL! Great work I really loved it.

Author: SithapprenticeDJ
Date posted: 7/16/2003 12:11:14 PM
SithapprenticeDJ's Comments:

I'm glad someone finally wrote a story after Obi-wan and anakin have their big fight post episode 3.I thought this was a great story.keep up the good work and I'll be looking forward to your next fan fic.

Author: Geoff Morton
Date posted: 7/16/2003 4:06:19 PM
Geoff Morton's Comments:

A good piece of fiction. While there was something of the self-aware tone that I had trouble buying, it was still worth reading. One thing you might consider, should you decide to re-explore this, or should you consider to write fan fiction, particularly when you delve into the prisoners of the dark side, is the anger, the venom, the self-loathing and self pity they tend to be trapped in, particularily a character like Anakin-Vader. In Return of the Jedi, you saw a resigned to his fate as a fallen Jedi Darth Vader, but this sort of self awareness had been brought about by his contact with his son, who had refused to turn to the dark side, even when severely thrashed and beaten. At this point in his life, I imagine that Anakin would be raging... furious. He seemed a little too calm and sad...

Anyways, I did enjoy the little vignette... it was well worth taking a few minutes to read. Keep it up.

Author: wren  (signed)
Date posted: 7/17/2003 6:12:45 PM
wren's Comments:

I never really thought of Anakin's helmet as being a 'skull'! It was very well written, and of course, i was pleased that you threw Padme in there as well... :)

Author: Blazer  (signed)
Date posted: 7/18/2003 2:05:48 PM
Blazer's Comments:

Oh, Lyd! That was wonderful! I've been meaning to review it, and here it is: excellent! You have a nice style, and I for one thought that Vader's thoughts were so on cue. Stunning comparison between the mask and skull. I also loved the last line. So haunting and sad.

Very nice work.


Author: Darth-Itchy
Date posted: 7/19/2003 5:45:15 PM
Darth-Itchy's Comments:

I'm not hating the story but I always imagined Vader being a bit more brainwashed by Palpatine. To me, he comes off like he's just a tad bit miffed about his condition and situation. I'd think that under the second greatest costume of all time and cool one liners, is a psychologically screwed up dude whose brain is putty in the hands of evil personified. I just feel the story failed to capture the rage and hate that motivates Vader for twenty plus years.

Author: Katie
Date posted: 7/22/2003 6:40:53 PM
Katie's Comments:

This was really good! It showed just what Anakin was probably thinking when he first turned to the darkside. It also showed how he felt about Padme, his mother's death, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
It also shows that Anakin probably wanted children, well he got what he wanted, he just didn't know it!

Author: jedi_michele
Date posted: 8/2/2003 4:14:00 PM
jedi_michele's Comments:

this was a wonderful story. such raw emotion was entwined in this piece. u gave my chills on ur last sentence. congrats on making it to the archives and keep writing.

Author: dark armored one
Date posted: 8/8/2003 9:15:43 PM
dark armored one's Comments:

Not too bad. I look forward to seeing how GL will put this pivitol scene in EPS III. Because Hayden is so scrawny, I doubt we will actually see him put the armor on. David Prowse was so big, the helmet will make Hayden look like a bobble head toy! Keep up the good writing.

Author: The Cleric 007
Date posted: 12/2/2003 8:26:49 PM
The Cleric 007's Comments:

Wow, just wow. That is amazing. I just love how you did that, having "Anakin" die and "Vader" come to life.


Author: The Stormtrooper Shrink  (signed)
Date posted: 2/15/2004 5:08:50 PM
The Stormtrooper Shrink's Comments:


Author: Ani-maniac
Date posted: 11/12/2004 11:02:00 AM
Ani-maniac's Comments:

I agree. Wow. That was very haunting, and a very good take on Darth Vader's armor.I loved it.

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Archived: Monday, July 14, 2003

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