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Gungan to the left

Pain Is For Fools (G)

By : Blazer

Archived on: Monday, July 21, 2003

Obi-Wan Kenobi's death has sent Vader into a tornado of emotions he does not want and cannot permit himself to feel.

He let himself be struck down. He stood there, resigned, as my lightsaber slashed owedthrough his skin. He gave no fight, did not whine or taunt me, did not even wince as my saber cut through his flesh. That, above everything else, was the thing that trickled through my brain as I walked through the crowded corridor of the Death Star.

Obi-Wan Kenobi had let me kill him. He did not fight me like he could have. It was true he was older, less agile and frailer now, but he was not living up to his par. I don't know why he didn't let me kill him the moment I saw him. The fight he gave me in the murky hanger wasn't even a workout. I don't know why he held back if he was even going to bother fighting at all.

I wanted to kill him in a fair fight. After all the years we had spent, he owed me that much. He owed me the chance to prove that I was better than he. I wanted his death to come after a long, tremendous battle in which one of us died and the other came through the fight close to death. I wanted to show him I could beat him fairly and that the Dark Side was as powerful as the light. When I first "fell" as those insolent Jedi put it, I offered it to Obi-Wan. I wanted my Master to join me in the Dark ways.

When I asked him to join me, he refused. I shook his refusal off; even I had been resistant at first. Palpatine had showed me, however. Oh, how he had showed me the way. I gave Obi-Wan time to think it over and met him on Geonosis again. I don't know why he chose Geonosis to meet, he just did, and I agreed to see him. I thought he had agreed. I thought he would let me take him over to the Dark Side.

I was wrong.

When he showed up he spoke plainly enough: he wouldn't turn. The burning of the volcanoes around us didn't even compare to the burning within me. I had thought the weeks I had given him would change his mind. Palpatine had changed my mind with promise of power and telling me the truth in the lies the Jedi fed to me. I had given Obi-Wan the promise of power.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was not a weak man. He was as strong as any Jedi Master on the Council, in more ways than even Master Yoda. He had this aura about him that followed him and bathed him in light. He was what I wanted to be when I was under his tutelage. He was the perfect example of everything a Jedi Knight should embody: calm, smart, intelligent, agile, cool under fire, and above everything, a brilliant swordsman. Through all the years I was his apprentice I cannot remember beating him once.

When he refused me, the only thing I remember was the flaming hatred inside of me that would not die. I don't remember the fight that followed. Everything blurred as the anger grew to the breaking point and then I snapped, letting myself go to the Dark Side.

He killed whatever sanity I had left that day. I don't think he meant for me to fall into the fire. I remember his stunned face as his saber caught me off guard and I tripped, falling down and down until I met the lava of hell. The pain was unbearable, indescribable. I couldn't manage with the pain. My mind left me, leaving my body to shoulder the pain. I screamed and screamed and couldn't get away. I tried to swim through it but the only thing I could do was scream.

Obi-Wan killed my sanity that day but he saved me as well. Palpatine rescued me and built my body back into a machine. With that he won everything from me: my loyalty, my services, my mind, my soul. I'm grateful to him now, and to Obi-Wan. If he hadn't knocked me into the flames I don't think I could have survived the rigors of the war. Human flesh is prone to pain, to accident. It sickens me now at the thought of what can happen to flesh. A machine, however, does not feel pain. It does not get tired. A machine does not fail.

In the hangar I failed. In some way I failed to something inside me that I never knew existed. I wanted to kill him in a fair fight and he did not give it to me. I wanted to show him how powerful I was and how wrong he was. He refused to give in and let me show him. Instead he let my lightsaber burn his flesh and let me watch him disappear, surprised that the Force cared so much for him that it took his body.

How could he let me do that? How could he let himself be sacrificed for the children who ran for the ship? What did he see in them that was so brilliant and flagging that he had to be killed so that they may live? I don't understand. Life is never worth death.

Master Sidious often tells me I think too much, that I sometimes let human feelings seep into my mask of destruction. It's not something I can control, although he probably could probably stop the emotions if I asked. I don't ask and he doesn't offer. Even now, after all these years, I do not enjoy the sensation of his mind touching mine. Besides, maybe I actually need the emotions inside me.

Beings see me as the face of death. I am Darth Vader and should not be reckoned with. I can't control what they think, nor do I wish to. I do what my Master bids me. I don't connect with those I kill. To do so would be idiocy beyond what I can afford. I cannot allow myself to feel for those who I slaughter. It isn't the way of things. I don't like to feel their pain.

Obi-Wan's death let free an emotion inside me I had not felt since Padm?'s death: pain.

Pain for the lost of my teacher, mentor. Pain for what I am and what I do. Pain for those I murder and those who suffer because of the murders. His unexplained actions have sent my mind into a tailwind of doubt. He made the ultimate sacrifice for children- children. This doubt has brought back to my mind so many other emotions of the past.

I can't allow myself to feel this. It isn't right. I am a machine now, not a man. Anakin Skywalker is a name of the past and shouldn't be mentioned. Emotions aren't supposed to be in my mind's capacity. I shouldn't feel them, see them, want them. To want them is a disgrace. I am a Sith Lord. Sith do not feel emotions, they feel pain and thrive in it. Rage, anger, and fear are the ways we work. Pain is the cause of this, the very base of what we try to bring to the galaxy.

I must not let this feeling of pain come to me. If Master Sidious feels it he will be angry and I fear when Master Sidious is angry. The only thing that comes out of it is hurting on my part.

Pain is not becoming a Sith Lord. Can't feel it. Must not feel it.

Damn Obi-Wan Kenobi. Damn him for making me feel this. Pain is for the weak; pain is for those who can't have power. Sith Lords do not have weakness.

As I walk down the lighted corridors to my quarters, a picture of Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to my mind. It is not a picture of the man I just killed, but rather many years earlier, when Obi-Wan was younger, fitter.

Damn him.

Shouldn't feel this. Can't feel this.

Damn him.

I am a Sith Lord! Why do I feel this? Why now?

When I return to my quarters I sit in the dark for a long time, my thoughts rambling around my head.

Sidious calls me on my comlink as I walk. A few minutes later I report to his hologram in my apartment. "Master."

"I sense distress."

"It is nothing, Master."

"Pain is for fools, Lord Vader. Do not let it overcome you. Pain is for fools."

He left me after that to my thoughts and his words. I stare at the blank space where his hologram had stood. Even from light years away, his control over me was tight enough to choke.

Pain is for fools?


I am not a fool. I will not be called a fool.

Fools? Obi-Wan was a fool. He let himself be cut down for a child. I killed him. That is not becoming a fool. I will not feel pain. I am not a fool. I will never be called a fool for my emotions. I am not a fool.

I leave the quarters, my anger shimmering like boiling water. Pain is for fools. Pain is for fools.

Shoving my emotions back, I head to the bridge. Obi-Wan Kenobi may have been a fool.

But I am not.

Original cover by obaona. HTML formatting copyright 2003 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 7.79 in 114 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Plasma
Date posted: 7/22/2003 3:41:34 AM
Plasma's Comments:

This is a great fanfic. I like the way you delve into Vaders feelings about Obi-wan.

Author: Javier
Date posted: 7/22/2003 4:05:17 AM
Javier's Comments:

intresting story... but I think your making vader overact too much emotion, hes not William shatner, hes Vader. but thanks for the story

Author: Guillaume
Date posted: 7/22/2003 6:27:10 AM
Guillaume's Comments:

Very interesting and very original idea ! This is the kind of story that will eventualy achieve tne connection between the two trilogies. Great work pal !

Author: JediJay
Date posted: 7/22/2003 7:40:25 AM
JediJay's Comments:

Nice story. You have the ability to go into the thoughts and feelings of your characters and bring them to life.
Having said that, I don't think that Vader really gave any thought to how Obi Wan died, just that he was finally dead.
You could link this story to one on how Vadar feels when he learns that the child was his own that Obi Wan sacrificed for. Vadar does have conflicting emotion about his son.

Author: Jedi Knight Safira Felan
Date posted: 7/22/2003 9:26:04 AM
Jedi Knight Safira Felan's Comments:

Wow! What a great story! I think you really hit on the head how Vader could have felt killing his old master. Sith Lord he may have been, but he had that spot of light in him he just couldn't get rid of. That part of him had to have hurt when he killed Obi-Wan. I love how you went into his emotions. Great job. (And I would love to read a story about Vader finding out that those children Obi-Wan sacrificed himself for were his.)

Author: Sars Wars
Date posted: 7/22/2003 9:50:07 AM
Sars Wars's Comments:

Not bad at all. I think you need to work on your verb tense though. You also contradict yourself. Vader doesn't want to feel pain but later you say that he must thrive on it. This is a little confusing. Nice try, keep on writing, your ideas are good!

Author: Gump
Date posted: 7/22/2003 10:46:50 AM
Gump's Comments:

Javier said that you made Vader over-react emotionally. I think not. When you think of the Old Trilogy Vader, I can see how you'd think that, but when you think of the New Trilogy Anikin you can see the over reacting part of him. And the death of Obi Wan is the one thing that could bring that side of Vader out.

Well done.

Author: Varth Dader
Date posted: 7/22/2003 12:14:02 PM
Varth Dader's Comments:

I like how he calls him Palpatine and Darth Sidious.

Author: Lord Panch
Date posted: 7/22/2003 1:50:50 PM
Lord Panch's Comments:

I agree disagree with the comment about shatner.. you're talking about a bunch of whiners that talked too much.. yes, he is vader... but he was once Skywalker.. and boy.. that kid could whine with the best of em..


so this is totally plausable..

Cheers.. and thnx

Author: Aayla Skywalker
Date posted: 7/22/2003 5:21:59 PM
Aayla Skywalker's Comments:

Great story!!! It made me think of what was really going through Vader's mind when he saw his old master get cut down...I think you got Sidious and Palpy mixed up, I have an idea we will be seeing Sidious get killed in EP 3...Bravo and great story!!!

Author: annie_ 45
Date posted: 7/23/2003 10:54:37 AM
annie_ 45's Comments:

awesome!!! story i loved it i wish i could write something like that. but ineed a few beta readers .....well great story make somemore!!!

Author: Blazer  (signed)
Date posted: 8/4/2003 1:29:16 PM
Blazer's Comments:

Hello, hello. This is the writer checking in. *smiles*

First off, I need to thank my two beta readers: Kate Hiller, whose comments were priceless; and obaona, who tore this thing apart for me and helped me put it back together. Your comments were essential to getting this piece into the archives, oba, and I couldn't have done it without you. *hugs*

Second, a million thanks to my cover artist, Collin. He's my best friend here and did a great job. *more hugs*

Thank you for the comments, my friends! I'm glad you liked it. As for Vader's reaction, I have this to say: I do believe Vader would feel this. He was once Anakin Skywalker, the boy who wanted his Master's love, and I believe Vader retained that. I don't think GL did a great job of crossing the bridge between ANH Vader and ROTJ Vader. He needed a bit more... I don't know, heartbreak and confusion. This maybe explained that.

And once again, thank you.

Author: dark armored one
Date posted: 8/8/2003 9:30:48 PM
dark armored one's Comments:

I am sorry, but, it is obvious that you incorporated alot of your own personality and language patterns into this story, and not enough of those of Vader. You actually made Vader seem like an immature adolescent. Try looking over Shadows of the Empire again, it is the best book that explores Vader's emotions. Please don't get me wrong, your writing skills were good, the story just was not all that convincing.

Author: Captain_mara_jade
Date posted: 8/28/2003 7:33:18 PM
Captain_mara_jade's Comments:

I think this story is excellant. It creates similarities to the man and the machine. It also shows that even an evil man like Vader, could have very well be that little boy on Tatooine. The slave no one but his mother cared for. The chosen one that no one understood. Very well written!

Author: Archangel
Date posted: 10/4/2003 5:45:10 PM
Archangel's Comments:

Wow. That was good.

Author: The Cleric 007
Date posted: 12/2/2003 8:23:11 PM
The Cleric 007's Comments:

Wow, that was just amazing! You are such a good writer. And such a unique viewpoint. I never really thought about how Vader felt after killing Obi-Wan.

That was just beautiful.

Author: Greenleaf from LakeRetreat
Date posted: 12/9/2003 1:16:12 AM
Greenleaf from LakeRetreat's Comments:

Great. And frightening. Thanks a lot for this.

Author: reader
Date posted: 1/18/2004 7:18:59 PM
reader's Comments:

This whole story seems a little contrived to me.
I did like the part about him describing himself as a machine though. But i doubt he feared Emperor palpatine. I think the writer made Vader a little too emotional if he had been more subtle it wold have been better

Author: Blazer
Date posted: 6/17/2004 9:30:59 AM
Blazer's Comments:

I'm not signed in, I know, but it is me.

This is just another note to thank obaona for the beautiful new cover she made for me. Thank you, oba!

Author: Darth Haem
Date posted: 8/22/2004 4:11:53 PM
Darth Haem's Comments:

Thanks for that. It was a good effort, although I think by the time of episode IV Vader had lost alot of his immaturity & lack of control. The loss of his body & 20yrs as a Sith I think would have changed him alot more than this internal monologue suggests. By then he had alot more self-control & discipline as the evil Vader. In your story he still sounds like a 19yr old Anakin, not a more seasoned / experienced middle aged Vader. I think this same musing of vader after his duel was handled a bit more realisticaly in one of the other fan-fictions on this site "A trophy, no more" see what you think - I invite a discussion to compare these two approaches to this scene

Still, it was a great story & alot better than anything I could ever write!

Author: Ani-maniac
Date posted: 11/12/2004 10:50:32 AM
Ani-maniac's Comments:

This was a very good story. As a VERY big Anakin fan I think you captured his inner turmoil well. And, I disagree with those who say that he sounded like 19 year old Anakin. When you read the original trilogy, Darth Vader still has conflicting feelings about what he is doing. After the destruction of Aleraan he remembers the many cities, towns, and people that died there. He then has to remind himself that they were rebels, not innocents. I also think that when Darth Vader reminded the Emperor that Luke was only a boy, that he wanted to spare Luke some suffering. If he was completely cold hearted he wouldn't have bothered. I have always felt that the part of the Anakin that remained, regreted killing Obi-wan. Anyway, I could keep going, but I've rambled long enough. Great story! Keep writing.

Author: Jedi Misha
Date posted: 5/22/2005 5:10:15 PM
Jedi Misha's Comments:

Wow..great job on making Darth Vader feel emotions that he hadn't feel the passing of Padme. Keep it up!

Author: Force-Push
Date posted: 12/2/2005 9:43:41 AM
Force-Push's Comments:

I didn't enjoy it.

The character is nothing like Vader.

Also, rage and fear ARE emotions. And the Sith aren't meant to deny emotion - that is the way of the Jedi. The Sith embrace emotion.

Some of the writing was poor too.

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Archived: Monday, July 21, 2003

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