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Gungan to the left

My Immortal (G)

By : Qwi_Xux

Archived on: Monday, August 4, 2003

Leia's memories of Anakin Solo after his death.

No one can ever describe the pain of losing a child. I watched it happen all the time during this seemingly endless war. I came close to losing my own children many times, but I told myself that it wouldn't happen to me. That wouldn't happen to my three little lives. It always happened to other parents. Every time I heard about or saw another child lost to the war, my heart went out to the mothers and fathers struggling with the grief. I could only imagine the sheer pain they must be going through. And even imagining it made my heart feel as if it would be ripped apart.

I knew that I could lose any one of you--my children, my flesh and blood--at any time. Did I ever really believe it would happen? No. I think if I believed that, I never would have been able to let any of you out of my sight. Any mother wants to think that she can protect her children. And with you three, that was harder to do. People were after you all of your lives, using you for their own ends, or to try to get to your father and me.

That is something that I regret. You never really had a normal childhood, did you? I don't want to count the number of times you were kidnapped. You grew up so fast...too fast. I wish I could have been there more than I was. The time I did have with you was precious, though. I loved watching you change and grow and learn. And you, Anakin, were always learning. That mind of yours could absorb so much. Your life was too short, but infinitely beautiful. You lived life to its fullest. There is so much about you that I will never forget.

I remember the way you would wrinkle your nose in your sleep when I would come in late to kiss you good night. I remember you running around with one of your father's shirts tied around your neck, pretending to be a super-hero. I remember you sitting on the floor and taking apart one of Jaina's mechanical toys, and the way she would exasperatedly make you put it back together.

There are so many memories--I hold onto each and every one of them. Sometimes I fear that I'll lose them, and you'll be completely gone. I keep holos of you, so that I will never forget your face. I touch them, recalling your warm skin, wishing that by touching an image I could ensure that you are alive and well. It brings me so much joy to look at them and think of the wonderful man you were turning into, but it hurts so badly at the same time. The thought that I'll never get to see you get any older, never see you get married or have children of your own brings regrets all of their own.

Life goes on despite your death. Sometimes I don't understand how that's possible. Sometimes I'll find myself laughing or enjoying myself and I'll feel guilty. I've been told that it's just accepting your death and moving on, but how can I do that? Doesn't anyone understand? How can I live life without you?

I don't think anyone but a mother could understand the unique bond between a mother and a child. I was the one that carried you for nine months. I felt your first movements. I felt the first signs of life in your tiny body. I went through the pain and joy that is childbirth. I held you when you first entered the world, red and screaming. No one but a mother knows those secret joys.

I kissed you when you scraped your knees. I saw the wonder in your eyes when you learned something new. I remember when I had to let you go to the Jedi Academy for the first time. I cherished the stories you told me when you would come back to visit. I wondered what you would do with your life when you got older. I feared for the choices you might make.

As you got older, I watched you become more independent. When the Yuuzhan Vong invaded, I watched you forced into battle at an age when all you should have had to worry about was learning to be a Jedi and an adult, and how to fit into the universe. Being a Jedi is something that's hard enough to deal with as a young adult. I saw you thrust into adulthood. I saw you faced with decisions that no one should have to make--not even the great Luke Skywalkers or Han Solos. I watched you change into a man before my very eyes.

I wish I could freeze those happy moments. I wish you could have lived a normal life.

Sometimes I think if my choices had been different, you would still be alive. I think about my own mother, and wonder if she had thoughts like this. When she gave Luke to Owen and Beru Lars, did she feel the pain of losing a child? Luke might not have died, but she gave him up knowing she might never see him again. Did she feel the way I do? Did she blame herself?

I would do anything to bring you back, my son. I wish in my heart of hearts for one more second--one more stolen moment. I want one more minute to look at you, to hold you, to tell you that I loved you. I want to tell you that I'm proud of you. I want you to know that you made a difference. I want you to know that you changed my life before I even saw your face for the first time. I want to tell you that you made my life better, more fulfilling.

But I can't. I can't go back. There's a part of me that still doesn't seem to know that you're gone. I'll wake up at night and think that I'm going to see you, or I'll hear something and think, 'I need to tell Anakin about that.' There's a hole in my heart that will never be filled. It's a part of my heart that was yours, and yours alone.

You will live on in my memory, and the memory of others. I know that people hundreds of years from now will hear your name and know who you are. That will be a time when the pain surrounding your death will be a thing of the past.

For now, though, my son, when the pain strikes deep, I will always remember the times I shared with you...the special memories that are mine, and mine alone. For now, I will let it be enough that I had any time with you at all. I will let it be enough that I had the opportunity to know you, to be part of your life.

For now, I will let it be enough that I had the honor of being your mother.

I will always love you, Anakin.

Original cover by obaona. HTML formatting copyright 2003 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 9.26 in 62 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Mcily Nochi  (signed)
Date posted: 8/4/2003 10:03:37 PM
Mcily Nochi's Comments:

I loved this when I betaed it and I love it now! (And I love the cover.) You've portrayed such an interesting character progression here, showing Leia in all stages of grief, and finally, acceptance.


Author: jedishellyskywalker
Date posted: 8/5/2003 4:51:54 AM
jedishellyskywalker's Comments:

Wow! That was truly beautiful! You did such a wonderful job of capturing Leia's feelings. I have a lump in my throat...

Author: Noghri1001
Date posted: 8/5/2003 8:01:10 AM
Noghri1001's Comments:

i really loved this story and it was written very well

Author: Jedi-2B  (signed)
Date posted: 8/5/2003 8:36:57 AM
Jedi-2B's Comments:

This was such a touching, beautifully written story of a mother's grief over losing a child. While it focuses on Leia and Anakin, the same feelings could be substituted for any parent who's lost a child.

Author: Naboos_Princess  (signed)
Date posted: 8/5/2003 10:53:17 AM
Naboos_Princess's Comments:

This is a very beautiful story, Qwi_Xux! I especially liked the part where Leia thought about her own mother. Great job.

Author: Nade_Naberrie  (signed)
Date posted: 8/5/2003 12:51:24 PM
Nade_Naberrie's Comments:

I hardly ever read NJO stories, but I am very glad that I read this one. Very, very nice job. Keep writing, and I'll look for more of your works in the future.

Author: Wraith_One
Date posted: 8/6/2003 6:31:10 AM
Wraith_One's Comments:

Wow. That was beautiful. YOu almost had me in tears. Anakin has always been my favorite character and I liked how you remembered his childhood and wrote Leia's grief at moving on. Well done! :)

Author: BobaFett688  (signed)
Date posted: 8/6/2003 10:00:46 AM
BobaFett688's Comments:

Beautiful...had me all misty-eyed. And a great reference and tie-in to the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

Author: neil
Date posted: 8/6/2003 6:54:24 PM
neil's Comments:

I have a child with Leukemia. She is 4 and I can not describe how much I love her. She is still with us and we expect her to make a full recovery, but when you find out your child's life is in real, immanent danger, you go through quite a bit of turmoil. You are forced to imagine life without that child and the prospect is one of the most terrifying things a parent can feel. I have no idea what it would be like to really loose her, and I have more respect than I can convey to parents who have lost their children. All I want to say is that who ever you are; you are either writing from experience or just damn talented. If itís the later (or even the former), don't ever stop writing you're very good. It was tough to get through, but speaking as one who has at least had to face the prospect of a childís death, it was very authentic.

Author: Siri Ruane
Date posted: 8/8/2003 5:04:07 PM
Siri Ruane's Comments:

I don't usually post comments, but I must say that this is GREAT!

I love depressing stuff, and it obviously didn't take much to make this one of my favorites. Keep up the good work!

Rock on.

Author: omdown
Date posted: 8/9/2003 11:26:31 PM
omdown's Comments:

AWESOME story. I suggest reading this while listening to the actual song, really drives the nail in.

Author: JediDad
Date posted: 9/9/2003 4:11:45 AM
JediDad's Comments:

A masterpiece of SW fiction ! Well written and carefuly thought out. In my opinion, it depicts leias thoughts ahd feelings to a " t " . Excellent Work ! I hope to se more in the ( not too ) distant future ?

Author: Lauren
Date posted: 11/26/2003 6:33:43 PM
Lauren's Comments:

This is really sad when you listen to My Immortal, the song. But it fits VERY well.

Author: tahiriina
Date posted: 5/22/2004 3:47:45 AM
tahiriina's Comments:

I could give that a 20 for a rating, I would ! I've always identified with Leia, and have often put those very thoughts and emotions into place as I watched her healing processand the events she went through from SBS to TUF. That was so real to every sad and joyful emotion and so clearly and poignantly expressed!

Author: Tahi  (signed)
Date posted: 11/30/2004 9:28:51 PM
Tahi's Comments:

Very beautiful, Qwi. I can feel, beneath the measured recollections, Leia's intense sense of loss.

[i]I keep holos of you, so that I will never forget your face. I touch them, recalling your warm skin, wishing that by touching an image I could ensure that you are alive and well.[/i]
I loved that bit - it rang so true. Mothers have a very strong sensory memory of their children - the sound of their voice, their fragrance and the touch of their skin and hair. Lovely piece of writing.

I also liked the link you forged in Leia's thinking between her experiences as a mum and those of her mother. You write with great empathy.

Author: 1-800-jedigirl
Date posted: 2/6/2006 2:03:02 PM
1-800-jedigirl's Comments:

that story its so so i cant even begin to describe it its just heart wrenching after reading it i practicly knew how leia felt

Author: Jayasolo2  (signed)
Date posted: 3/12/2010 6:15:32 PM
Jayasolo2's Comments:

oh my gosh.. :O I nearly cried at this. It's great work..

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Archived: Monday, August 4, 2003

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