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Gungan to the left

Unreality (G)

By : obaona

Archived on: Monday, October 20, 2003

One of the more generally accepted Episode III speculations is that Padme dies, and Anakin turns because of her death. What if, with Padmé's death, something else happened? This was written to leave the reader with a feeling of unreality, hence the title.

Days like these feel so dreamy, as if the clouds took the harsh light of reality away, and left nothing but the lingering of true existence in the faint shadows. Sometimes I treasure moments like these. I take long walks along the streets of Theed, breathing in the fresh air, heavy with the scent of rain that may or may not fall. Other days I see those shadows, and I am reminded of what I've lost.

Some would say it's ironic, I suppose, that today is a day with clouds. Palpatine is dead; the New Order is in chaos. Wouldn't such a day be full of light? Today it was officially declared that the 'Old' Republic lives again. I suspect Palpatine's New Order won't disappear entirely - there are too many that followed its ways, too many worlds that would have to be punished, too many people that would have to die for their crimes. It is a pessimistic thought, but I know it's true. My idealism . . . my optimism . . . are lost to me, as are so many other things.

Surprisingly, Obi-Wan understands. I think he knows more than I originally thought he did about the events in my life, when he was not there. When I first told him my thoughts, my fears on what the future could bring, there was no surprise in his eyes. He agreed that the New Order would not disappear, that there would still be battles to fight - but this time, in ideas and law, not in the battlefield of life and death.

And when I avoided speaking of a certain politician known for her integrity and honor, he said nothing. He merely touched my shoulder, reached out with his thumb for the spot where my padawan braid once hung, and nodded sadly. I could see the sorrow in his eyes, and at that moment I realized that somehow, he knew of us, knew of our relationship. And he grieved for my loss.

I am not celebrating our success. I suspect I am not the only one. This civil war has cost too much, taken too much, for many of us to simply bask in the joy of victory. Those losses stay with us, as quiet whispers on our shoulders, reminding us of our grief and our reason for going on.

I treasure those little whispers in my ear. They are the voices of my dead family: my mother . . . and my wife.

I remember holding her in my arms, her head lying on my shoulder. She looked up at me, and she was quietly gasping for air. It seemed so silent, as if the world held its breath. I looked into her eyes, those soulful brown eyes, and saw the clouds reflected in them. She couldn't speak. The wounds she had suffered from the surprise ambush near the Senate building were so severe she could not summon the breath. I could not look away from her face. I did not want to look away. The other dead and dying - her guards and her companions - did not matter to me, then.

I once claimed I would defeat death. But as I held her in my arms I knew I couldn't, and that I never would. Her death just seemed to come in an inevitable slide towards nothingness. So I looked into her eyes, that brown touched with a hint of cloudy gray, and told her I loved her.

I told her I had pledged my life to her . . . and that I had also, in my heart, pledged my death to her. It was all I could say, the only way I could express how much she meant to me. And I think she smiled for a moment. It was hard to tell, through the blur of my tears. In that moment I wanted to rage and get revenge, but instead it passed away, along with the last remnants of my idealism, when her life grew fainter.

There was no sudden loss of life in her eyes. It was a gentle subsiding, like a breeze slowly fading. You don't know it's truly there until it's gone.

I had given everything for her - for my Padm?. I had pledged my life and my death - and that did not mean I would die to be with her or merely murder her killer, but that I would live to do her will. For the rest of my days, to my death, and after, whatever is beyond this life.

I fought Palpatine, my former mentor, because she would have wished it so. I brought her body to her family, because she would have wished them to be able to grieve. A body would make things final, instead of the wondering that her going away and simply not coming home would cause. I stayed with the Jedi, because she would have wished it - because she believed what the Jedi did was better for the galaxy than any corrupt government. And as I stayed, as I did her will, I began to truly realize the wisdom of my wife. I no longer feel the restrictions of the Jedi. I know that some of their ways are wrong, but I accept it. I accept that changes, even for Jedi, do not come easily or quickly. I think Obi-Wan knows this, too. He has more of Qui-Gon's insight and rebellion in him than many would think; he's just subtler about it.

Then there is politics. Padm? is no longer a moral voice in a place fraught with ambition. She cannot be. So I have done as she would have wanted, and I am that voice . . . as much as I can be. There is no one like my Padm?, and she can never be truly replaced. I will go, after this walk, and return to the new Senate, to the Jedi Council, and try to get things done. I will attend meetings, and speak out as necessary, as a dutiful Jedi would, and as others will in the process to repair and replace what is broken and gone. I will be here for the reconstruction of the Republic. I will do what is right, until the time comes that I no longer need worry, because I am with her.

I know what my Padm? would ask of me, because I hear her whisper in my ear. Whispers of memories, of conversations long since passed, of the strength of loyalty and the gentle look that went along with it when she spoke of such things, and of the joy she had with her family.

She would want me to be happy. She would want me to move on. But I am happy, as long as I have her whisper in my ear.

Original cover by obaona. HTML formatting copyright 2003 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 8.78 in 98 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: obaona  (signed)
Date posted: 10/21/2003 2:32:56 AM
obaona's Comments:

A quick big, heart-felt thank you to my betas. :)

Author: Andrea Jade  (signed)
Date posted: 10/21/2003 7:45:52 AM
Andrea Jade's Comments:

A fabulous story. Great imagination and sensitivity.

Author: Obi-Wan Kenobi83
Date posted: 10/21/2003 10:52:34 AM
Obi-Wan Kenobi83's Comments:

I have read many of your stories obaona, and some of them are among my favorite. You are a very gifted writer who seems to have a very good grasp of the feelings behind the characters in the star wars universe, especially Obi-Wan. This story is another example of that gift you have. Excellent work!! This story almost makes you wish things turned out the way you wrote this AU. Keep writing...

Author: Tvdunlop
Date posted: 10/22/2003 5:32:35 AM
Tvdunlop's Comments:

I love this fanfic, please keep writing!!!

Author: Naboos_Princess  (signed)
Date posted: 10/22/2003 10:52:27 AM
Naboos_Princess's Comments:

This is a beautiful story, obaona. You have a lovely writing style. I liked it from the very first paragraph. :)

Author: Peregrine7
Date posted: 10/22/2003 12:03:48 PM
Peregrine7's Comments:

Whoof! Powerful, and plausible. All it takes is a choice on Anakin's part, to honor Padme rather than avenge her, and... wow.

Author: LianaMara  (signed)
Date posted: 10/22/2003 5:25:36 PM
LianaMara's Comments:

Oba dear, you already know how much I love this, so I won't ramble on too much.

This vig is so beautiful, so...otherworldly, and the points you raised were very thought-provoking. What if Anakin hadn't turned? I loved the perspective you took, and the last line about her whispering in his ear is so bittersweet.

Wonderful job! :)

Author: Warith14
Date posted: 10/23/2003 6:43:26 PM
Warith14's Comments:

not bad wish it was longer though

Author: naferiti
Date posted: 10/23/2003 10:49:49 PM
naferiti's Comments:

I really enjoyed reading that i have just recently gotten into the star wars trilogys and i love them they are great and amoung my favorite movies i really enjoyed reading the what if.

Author: Darth Decidious
Date posted: 10/24/2003 7:43:32 AM
Darth Decidious's Comments:

Very good job. I have really enjoyed 3 fan fic I have ead and this is one of them. Keep up the good work.

Author: Lady Padme  (signed)
Date posted: 10/26/2003 6:49:08 PM
Lady Padme's Comments:

Lovely, and poignant, dearest!

Author: Master Am_Aral
Date posted: 10/27/2003 1:15:12 AM
Master Am_Aral's Comments:

OK, very emotive, but silly, all we are SW fans just because we hated Vader and the Emperor as much a we loved the rebellion...With that point of view there are no Star Wars at all...
Anyway, your use of the language is cool, and you manged to create some beautyful images...

Author: Sunshine  (signed)
Date posted: 10/27/2003 5:36:07 PM
Sunshine's Comments:

Oh, Oba. That was so poignant... and sweet...

Author: Bant428  (signed)
Date posted: 10/31/2003 11:47:08 AM
Bant428's Comments:

OBOANA!!! email me girl! i wanna read some of ur fix! its been a while! i want first dibs on ur superb, exquisite works!!

btw, loooove this!

Author: janiasolo
Date posted: 11/1/2003 10:41:13 AM
janiasolo's Comments:

I have read one other of your fics, and I have to say that you have a true gift for writing, one I wish I had. I want you to never give up that gift, to always use it, whenever you can. You write this story so poignantly that even the meanest person would feel.

Author: nc
Date posted: 11/5/2003 12:28:33 PM
nc's Comments:

really good ff oboana, i like the way the title reflects the writing.

Author: Jedi Knight Quia Lor
Date posted: 11/9/2003 3:56:29 PM
Jedi Knight Quia Lor's Comments:

Wow, obanoa. How lovely! That sounds more like the little boy she met on Tatooine. Sweet and sad. Even in its brevity it was wonderful! I love your work! Please keep writing!
May the Force be with you!

Author: hazardmagnet
Date posted: 11/24/2003 3:40:40 PM
hazardmagnet's Comments:

much much much better
your style lends itself so well to anakin here
at first it hought were might go the cliche'd route with this especially in that first paragraph but the idea of doing another's will in spite of your own to the point that it becomes your own is very high-minded and well done. good imagery as well, definatelya sense of where he was, what he was doing. my only real suggestion is to get away from the word "rage" it somehow pulls the writing down when used as a self-descriptive verb. once again, very good

Author: JediPug1  (signed)
Date posted: 11/24/2003 7:38:14 PM
JediPug1's Comments:

Beautifully done!

Author: JediMasterMariana  (signed)
Date posted: 1/21/2004 10:51:32 AM
JediMasterMariana's Comments:

WOW! That was wonderful! For Anakin to honor Padmé rather than avenge her, totally unexpected!


B-) Mariana B-)

Author: jedi_enigma
Date posted: 3/23/2004 9:07:23 PM
jedi_enigma's Comments:

That was so beautiful! It just made me cry! I loved it!

Author: solojones  (signed)
Date posted: 7/17/2004 12:45:18 PM
solojones's Comments:

This is a nice look at how Anakin's attachment to Padmé could possibly have been a good thing... but the sad thing is, it could also cause him much rage when separated from her. I think it's a fine line, but it's nice to see someone portray what might have happened had it gone the other way. Nice work, Oba! :)

Author: Ani-maniac
Date posted: 11/11/2004 8:19:47 PM
Ani-maniac's Comments:

I loved this story!!!!!!! As you can tell I am a very big fan of Anakin, and this did a wonderful job of portraying his... kinder more noble side. I only wish it was longer! I have now read many of your stories, and you are an excellent writer. Keep it up, and may the Force be with you!

Author: Rhaya  (signed)
Date posted: 6/3/2005 5:20:23 AM
Rhaya's Comments:

A beautiful tribute to Anakins love for Padme. Although it doesn't coincide with the original story I believe somewhere deep inside him Ani had it in him to honor her memory in this way if he had only listened to his true feelings. But then we wouldn't have had the rest of the trilogy, lol but still I think it's a wonderful addage and it gives light and meaning to Padmes death.

Author: saberbabe
Date posted: 2/8/2006 7:08:27 PM
saberbabe's Comments:

*sniff* at the beginning of this story, i didnt quite understand what you meant by 'unreality.' i think i do now b/c, even tho all these thoughts and emotions are laid out for me, in black and white, i still cannot understand it. it doesnt seem quite right, just b/c of the way episode three went. but its beautiful, nonetheless.

Author: kristina mora
Date posted: 4/24/2007 11:49:14 AM
kristina mora's Comments:

I can't beleave how amazing sad this story is. thank you for that. the world needs more writers like you. you can not beeave how much this story has touched my life. thanks again.

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Archived: Monday, October 20, 2003

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