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Gungan to the left

She Kissed My Wookiee (G)

By : DarthIshtar

Archived on: Monday, November 22, 2004

Before Han and Leia can become man and wife, she has one confession to make.

"I swear, it was the heat of the moment."

She was lucky he was too decent to hit a woman because he had the strongest urge to smack her upside the head for this.

"Heat of the moment," Han repeated. "Heat of the moment? Where were you that gets that hot? The Jundland Wastes?"

A towel came flying at top speed towards his head, but his reflexes were quicker and he parried it. A moment later, Leia emerged from the ?fresher, looking very grumpy.

"As a matter of fact,? she proclaimed, ?yes!"

For a long moment, he was simply unable to speak and for that, she was both thanking her lucky supernovas and enjoying herself a lot, from the look on her face. She simply didn?t understand that it was very hard to speak when you were dumbstruck by perfect beauty.

Or at least, he thought that's what that bemused smirk beneath the thin veil draped over her head meant. She sauntered closer, the simple, sleeveless white gown that she had borrowed from Mon Mothma swaying slightly with the movement of her hips.

"Want a closer look?" she purred.

"I don't know," he said dubiously. "Is it going to shed on me?"

She threw up her hands in exasperation. "You're not going to let this go, are you?"

"You kissed my Wookiee!" he shot back.

"It was your idea!"

She plopped unceremoniously onto the nearest repulsorchair, her narrow chin buried in the palm of her hand as she melted the transparisteel with the force of her glare.

"I guess this is why seeing the bride before the ceremony is considered bad luck," she surmised grumpily.

"You said you had something to tell me," he reminded. "This is all your doing."

Her head was shaking in undisguised disgust now. "I tell you I'm related to your best friend," she reminded, "the daughter of our thankfully-deceased worst enemy, and you're still harping on this?"

"It was my Wookiee!"

"It was the day we figured out a way to get me into Jabba's palace and it was thanks to Chewie's idea," she explained. "Even Lando could have kissed the big fuzzball."

"Lando will kiss anything if it stands still for half a second," he grumbled. "Is he another of your conquests?"

"Not with a ten-meter stunstick," she spat and he was thoroughly relieved to find he believed her.

He bent over, retrieved his boots and focused his anger on yanking them onto his feet. Unfortunately, there was a lot more anger than boot leather, so when he straightened, there was one more question to be asked.

"Who's the better kisser?"

She had apparently decided to enjoy this while he was suffering his boots. Her tongue ran a slow circuit around her lips, making him shudder with envy and anticipation. Envy that there was the taste of something else's lips there and anticipation of erasing it with the long night ahead of them.

She kissed my Wookiee. When's my turn?

"You have nothing to worry about, nerfherder," she declared before turning on her heel and gliding from the room.

"What's wrong?" Luke murmured as she approached. "I haven't seen Han this worked up since Threepio revealed his divine prerogative."

"I kissed his Wookiee," she explained offhandedly. "He's not too happy about it."

"You kissed Chewie?" he chuckled. "I'm sorry I missed that."

"You didn't miss much," she snorted. "It was one second long in the middle of the Tatooine desert and we were both laughing too hard to have felt anything."

"Does he know that?"

"If he gets his scruffy-looking head on straight, he'll know," she assured him.

"When do you think that'll happen?"

When Eol Sha's lava pits freeze over.

"As soon as he remembers that it's not his Wookiee that I'll be kissing for the rest of my life," she assured him with a shrug that suggested that she didn?t believe it would happen in her lifetime.

His arm wrapped gently around her shoulders as he steered her towards the front of the room. "I'm not going to lecture you," he whispered, "but I want you to promise me you'll be happy."

Her eyes met her intended's across a few meters, and saw that the annoyance and brashness had finally dissolved behind the familiarly lopsided grin.

"You have nothing to worry about, brother dearest."

The ceremony would be simple?the no-frills one that was typical of Corellia--instead of the beautifully elaborate one that Leia had been taught to hope for since she was old enough to know what a wedding was.

Han had offered to change that, but she had insisted on keeping it simple and heartfelt.

"Who gives this woman in marriage?" Ackbar began as they reached their places.

Luke lifted the veil just far enough to let his lips linger on her cheek for a moment, then lowered it and turned back.

"I do."

He released her shoulder, then guided her forward so she could take Han's hand.

"Do you, Leia, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, forsaking all others, to cherish and to keep, in peace and in turmoil, in sickness and in health, til death parts you?"

"I do," she managed to choke past the lump in her throat.

His lopsided smile turned into a triumphant grin as he repeated the vows and his hand tightened around hers.

"By the power given me as Supreme Commander of the Alliance Fleet, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

His hands threw back the veil as he leaned in for their first married kiss, then he hesitated and drew back.

"Are you sure you don't want one more wild fling with the walking carpet?"

She closed the space between them quickly, obliterating that taunt with the heat of her lips.

"Don't worry," she said when they broke away, breathing hard. "I prefer scruffy-looking to hairball-hacking now and forever."

Original cover by Arin Atona. HTML formatting copyright 2004 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 8.79 in 89 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Lord Maul
Date posted: 11/23/2004 4:19:33 AM
Lord Maul's Comments:

This was very, very good. I thought Han's comment about Lando was hilarious. The only possible way this could have been better would be if Chewie was in it. Either way, great job.

Author: Amidala_Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 5:41:44 AM
Amidala_Skywalker's Comments:

You have an excellent viggy here, Ish. Itís fantastic to see it in the archive. Congratulations :).

Author: Arin Atona  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 5:55:49 AM
Arin Atona's Comments:

This is probably the third time I've read this since you wrote it, and it's still hilarious.

Nice to see it archived ;)

Author: boushh2187  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 10:15:08 AM
boushh2187's Comments:

Very cute and funny. I loved it. :)

Author: Martyn Antilles
Date posted: 11/23/2004 10:46:24 AM
Martyn Antilles's Comments:

This story just makes me wonder--how many times in how many different places by how many different people have Han and Leia been married?

Very well written though.

Author: Nade_Naberrie  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 12:00:11 PM
Nade_Naberrie's Comments:

Oh, how precious, Ish! How did I miss this one? And the cover art was priceless... congrats all around!

Author: DarthIshtar  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 3:31:59 PM
DarthIshtar's Comments:

Martyn, methinks I did it about 50 times over the years... This one is my favorite, though, because it's not entirely serious.

Author: Lt_Jaina_Solo
Date posted: 11/23/2004 4:08:12 PM
Lt_Jaina_Solo's Comments:

Hey, Ish! I'm back, and I totally love the coverart! Completely hilarious!

Oh, yes... the story.

Well, you already read my review on the boards, but this is hilarious! Totally believable and completely in character. I loved it!

Author: jediladyvader
Date posted: 11/23/2004 8:17:13 PM
jediladyvader's Comments:

this is a total lie if u read the book about han and leia's courtship they get married at the and and luke makes it late there and it is not a simple wedding.

Author: JAGSGURL15  (signed)
Date posted: 11/23/2004 8:41:42 PM
JAGSGURL15's Comments:

awesome job ISHY! as usual! cant believe i havent read this before!

Author: Jedi of Imladris  (signed)
Date posted: 11/24/2004 11:52:42 AM
Jedi of Imladris's Comments:

This is wonderful! I remember reading it on the boards earlier, and I was happy to see it here! I can just imagine Han nagging Leia about a thing like that. Great cover art and story; I really enjoyed reading it!

Author: Arin Atona  (signed)
Date posted: 11/25/2004 12:04:39 AM
Arin Atona's Comments:

Quote: this is a total lie if u read the book about han and leia's courtship

Hence the "Alternative Universe" designation ;)

I appreciate all the positive feedback on the cover art. I had fun making it for Ishy.

Author: DarthIshtar  (signed)
Date posted: 11/25/2004 1:34:54 AM
DarthIshtar's Comments:

Ah. I was beginning to wonder if they'd forgotten to put the AU title on there. Kudos to Arin for taking my twisted ideas for cover art, making them make sense, then making them reality.

Author: bobill
Date posted: 11/26/2004 8:57:42 AM
bobill's Comments:

Hehe, that's really cute! Loved the last line!

Author: Darth_Suzi
Date posted: 11/26/2004 4:21:37 PM
Darth_Suzi's Comments:

Hey, Ish! Congrats on getting this archived! :D

It was great the first time I read it, and it's still hilarious.

And great cover art, Arin.


Author: gr8ful1
Date posted: 11/26/2004 8:07:23 PM
gr8ful1's Comments:

Liked that a lot! I hear their voices and see facial expressions when reading your dialogue, very vivid and in-character. A good read.

Author: VaderLVR64  (signed)
Date posted: 11/27/2004 9:27:29 PM
VaderLVR64's Comments:

This was hilarious! I loved it, but then I love all of your work!

Author: Yodiss
Date posted: 11/28/2004 2:53:02 PM
Yodiss's Comments:

Brilliant! You really captured the characters. I love how you expanded on the marriage ceremony theat Dave Wolverton left out *grr*. Your work is beautiful and hilarious, and i hope to read more of it.

Author: willo kenobi
Date posted: 12/3/2004 6:13:44 AM
willo kenobi's Comments:

absolutely hilarious. great characterisation.

Author: Tahi  (signed)
Date posted: 12/5/2004 4:10:02 AM
Tahi's Comments:

Great bit of fun, Ish.
[i]"Lando will kiss anything if it stands still for half a second," he grumbled. "Is he another of your conquests?"[/i]
LOL That was one of the many pieces of repartee I enjoyed.

And the cover art was spot on.
Thanks for a welcome bit of levity.

Author: LaLaLa2004
Date posted: 12/5/2004 2:53:56 PM
LaLaLa2004's Comments:

Ridiculously funny. I loved it!

Author: henry
Date posted: 12/7/2004 7:42:34 PM
henry's Comments:


It was hilarious, funny and just, well...


I loved it, very enjoyable, but one comment is maybe, Han should have talked with chewbacca, or chewie at least in the story. (but that's my opinion).

Also, wouldn't Han be a little... over dramatic maybe? I don't know. I don't really know the character well, (I'm more of a fan of P/A), but oh well.

Loved it though.

Author: MissKenobi
Date posted: 12/7/2004 9:08:52 PM
MissKenobi's Comments:

It looks like you wrote it in five minutes. It has little direction, and it's like you're being slapped directly in a scene, and you're supposed to care what they are talking about. No lead up, or direction of character. One of your weakest pieces by far for such obvious little effort.

Author: Say I.
Date posted: 12/9/2004 1:14:57 PM
Say I.'s Comments:

It's funny...

But(and pardon me)

Why does she feel the need to confess? A grateful peck shouldn't be remembered guiltily, let alone confessed right before a wedding. The idea that she needs to 'confess' what she claims was an innocent, grateful act, as though there was something sexual about it, just...


I'm confused I guess.

Why would she need to confess that to begin with? And why would Han care?

Author: cairo
Date posted: 12/12/2004 6:52:52 AM
cairo's Comments:

I'm not quite sure I understand what's going on here. I know that this is a humor piece and has an "AU" designation, just seems so contrived. If my boyfriend was sitting in carbonite somewhere and his best friend found a way to get him out, and I kissed this best friend in a platonic way out of happiness and gratitude, I don't think my boyfriend would care. In fact, I don't think it would even occur to me (or any other woman) to mention it, especially right before getting married.

The point is, I just can't see two grown adults having this conversation, especially Han and Leia, even in a humorous AU piece. A similar piece about something Han or Leia might actually get upset about may have been more effective.

Your writing in and of itself is pretty good. I think you had the right idea with the banter between Han and Leia, but with the motivation of kissing a Wookiee behind it, the dialogue fizzled when it could've sizzled.

Author: VaderDarth
Date posted: 12/13/2004 8:26:46 AM
VaderDarth's Comments:

That was a very entertaining read! It just felt like Star Wars. Nice job. You successfully captured the emotion and humor of the original trilogy. :)


Author: Mark Jade
Date posted: 12/19/2004 1:43:59 PM
Mark Jade's Comments:

very funny.. good coversation between han and leia..fits their characters


Author: Tahlgirl
Date posted: 12/20/2004 12:52:18 PM
Tahlgirl's Comments:

funny witty and cute
all in all; perfect

Author: Jane
Date posted: 12/21/2004 10:14:01 AM
Jane's Comments:


This is supposed to be a humour piece, right?

Aside from feeling like I need a long shower, my one complaint might be the rather uninspiring earth-based wedding. That sapped the Star Wars out of it.

Author: Motar
Date posted: 1/2/2005 5:27:42 PM
Motar's Comments:

Interesting piece, but I don't think Han would call Chewbacca "My Wookie." That was just bugging me the whole time I was reading it.

Author: ChaoticJedi
Date posted: 1/3/2005 7:49:43 PM
ChaoticJedi's Comments:

Oh my God. This story was awesome! You did a really good job with it...I loved the sarcasm you gave Han, and Luke was the perfect big brother...This was awesome!

Author: Martyn Antilles
Date posted: 1/30/2005 1:01:04 PM
Martyn Antilles's Comments:

What I meant was that both Dave Wolverton and I think its Poul Davis or something like that have married Han and Leia. (It was a junior novel or something.) And I'm not immune to it myself--I've married a bunch of the X-wing pilots several times. (I mean, I married them to their spouses--not that *I* married them...:-P) Still a fun story, though.

Author: Idrelle Miocovani  (signed)
Date posted: 2/1/2005 11:16:17 AM
Idrelle Miocovani's Comments:

Leia's confession... one word: hilarious! Han's reaction was perfect and the thing about throwing the towel made me laugh for whatever reasons. Brilliant!

Author: ChaoticJedi
Date posted: 3/11/2005 3:25:12 PM
ChaoticJedi's Comments:

I just noticed something. You only had Leia say "I do" and not Han. You might want to edit that a little bit. Nothing major, just something I noticed.

Author: DarthIshtar  (signed)
Date posted: 3/16/2005 3:14:04 PM
DarthIshtar's Comments:

You're right, i don't have that, but it's implied in him repeating the vows. Thanks for catching that.

Author: Laura Anu
Date posted: 5/6/2005 2:57:47 PM
Laura Anu's Comments:

I try and read this every once in a while, and I thought, "Well, maybe I should leave a note while I'm at it!"

This is one of my favorite's just so funny! I love the simple wedding, Han's reaction to Leia kissing Chewie, and Han calling Chewie "his" Wookiee. It's perfect!

Author: Padawan wana' be
Date posted: 5/7/2005 9:21:18 PM
Padawan wana' be's Comments:

LOL ROFL ha ha ha and (for lack of a better word) ha.

Author: Skitzy  (signed)
Date posted: 5/29/2005 3:18:33 AM
Skitzy's Comments:

This is a comedic and sweet piece, nice work.

Author: Jasmine
Date posted: 9/18/2005 3:55:15 PM
Jasmine's Comments:

I would say something, but I can't breath from laughing so hard. :D

Author: errathofkosh
Date posted: 10/11/2005 3:53:53 PM
errathofkosh's Comments:

Better than any EU account I've read about the event...

Author: Veloz
Date posted: 12/31/2005 3:41:12 PM
Veloz's Comments:

This was very funny ha ha ha

Author: Final Gurl
Date posted: 4/23/2008 10:36:54 PM
Final Gurl's Comments:

OMFG, okay first off, I'm not big in writing StarWars FF. because
I just don't have it in me. Also, this caught my interest. I was like
WTH.. he but, it's all good. I mean it's flowing hilarious, and grammarific. Characteriazation is great. Over all this fiction
was hilarious<- agian! I totally starting laughing when I read
Luke walk in like Howdy ya doody!

Author: Lexine
Date posted: 10/17/2011 8:52:59 PM
Lexine's Comments:

I will be ptuting this dazzling insight to good use in no time.

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Archived: Monday, November 22, 2004

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