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Gungan to the left

Here (G)

By : rhonderoo

Archived on: Monday, December 27, 2004

The Battle of Endor is over and Anakin Skywalker is coming to terms with his place.

I've been here several times before. Some of the happiest moments in my life - the other life - were spent right here. The flowers fill the air with a summery sweetness. It feels warm, like the sun on your face in the morning, and inside is home. I make it as far as to the edge of the enclosed garden and my courage deserts me again. Not today.

I reveled in having cheated death in the war, each time more arrogant than the last until finally I sold my soul - my life forfeit for power over death. It is these thoughts that leave me sobbing on the ground, my face in my hands, galled by the audacity I possessed in thinking I could come here. I do not deserve what I come here for, but I always come back, for nothing else than to bask in the nearness of peace.

I know what you're thinking. I am lucky to even be here, in this place. It is by the grace of all that is Light that I am here. The goodness that came out of that Light pardoned me at the end.

So it goes.

I come here and I feel her presence nearby and it is enough. It has to be, at least for now. I commanded armies and decided the fate of others at my whim, but I cannot cross this precipice. So I wait. I wander out here in the in-between while my loved ones that lived on go about their lives.

I'm a name mentioned in warning to others that live in the Light. I'm a weight on my namesake, a burden to overcome and a point to be proven. I do not feel sorry for myself. I deserve this shame and so much more - in that existence, before I found my way back.

Seeing my children make the time that I wait bearable. It is in my most selfish moments that I call them my own. I do not deserve them. I snatch glimpses while they do their duties or have their moments with family, and hope fervently that they felt me, or better yet, recognized me. It is the one good thing about being here. I see the things that I missed, the things that I tossed away in that final submission. I see my family now and know that they are the one thing I did that was good.

Here, it is interesting. I can go back and watch the mistakes I made over and over, the scenes recalled with a mere thought. I can see myself doing unspeakable things in the name of peace and justice. Most of these to my own flesh and blood. I can back up and say, "Here. You should have ended it here. Or here. Or here." There were so many times.

I go back and forth, because really?time doesn't matter. Sometimes I sit in a slave hovel and watch while menial tasks are done and wonder, "What happened to that little boy?" But I already know the answer to that question.

Sometimes I wander marble halls and marvel at the purpose with which these beings go on about their responsibilities. I still feel a slight twinge of envy that they can effortlessly look to the Light. Nothing whispers to them. No fate has been determined. They do not fear. They are not Chosen. They just?are. They are as sure of the Light's love as I was of the Dark's comfort.

Other times I stand behind white-clad soldiers and uniformed officers. Palpable fear rolls from them, for I am near. Only it is not here, but there. I took the misery of my existence out on every living soul that came into contact with me. Their failure fed my failure. Their fear was mine. It was never really their failure, after all; it was mine. It IS mine. Always mine.

So I continue on here, in this place that is neither here nor there, no longer part of the world I could have had. Not yet a part of that world, the world past the garden. The others have moved on -- forgiven me, even. They wait patiently for me to stop being scared. To stop being afraid.

They should know me better than that by now.

I've been here several times before. Some of the happiest moments in my life - the other life - were spent right here. The flowers fill the air with a summery sweetness. It feels warm, like the sun on your face in the morning, and inside is home. I stop just outside the gate and close my eyes.


Her voice is the sweetest thing that I will ever hear. I open my eyes as she reaches to touch my cheek.

"I have been waiting for so long," she says, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "All you ever had to do was forgive yourself, Ani," she says. A smile lifts the corners of her mouth and a tear spills onto her cheek.

I wipe the tear from her cheek with my thumb and kiss her forehead. "Padm?, I'm so sorry. I -"

She stops the words from tumbling from my lips with her finger. "That's all you have to do. Forgive yourself. I have forgiven you, Ani. The others gave this gift to you long ago. They wait for you as I do, Ani. It is time to come home." She steps back and opens the garden gate. I walk inside to her waiting arms, the scent of her hair washing over me.

"I am so happy you're here, Anakin Skywalker."


The End

Original cover by rhonderoo. HTML formatting copyright 2004 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 8.92 in 96 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Amidala_Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 12/27/2004 8:08:43 PM
Amidala_Skywalker's Comments:

Wonderful ‘fic, rhonderoo! Wonderful when I first reviewed it and still wonderful now. This is one of the best short afterlife Anakin fics I’ve ever read. I knew it was destined for archival.

Author: Ani-maniac  (signed)
Date posted: 12/27/2004 10:21:30 PM
Ani-maniac's Comments:

This was awsome!!!!! I loved it. It was well written, and very moving. You captured the feelings Anakin would have very well. I loved the idea that he played his failures back, over and over. It seems so much like Anakin. The Force was with you when you wrote this story!

Author: VaderLVR64  (signed)
Date posted: 12/28/2004 3:25:25 PM
VaderLVR64's Comments:

I loved this the very first time I read it, and I enjoyed it even more upon a second and third reading. Lovely!

Author: henry
Date posted: 12/28/2004 5:22:43 PM
henry's Comments:

so beautiful.... so lovely and heart warming. I love it how you placed it so Padme loves Ani dearly and no one else. Write more of these Anakin and Padme fanfictions!!!!!!!!!

Author: bobill
Date posted: 12/28/2004 8:45:39 PM
bobill's Comments:

Well, if first impressions mean anything, that cover just totally drew me in. Such a beautiful scene! The viggy definently lives up to it. The whole thing with Anakin's fear of entering the garden is so well-played. The scenes really add to Anakin's personality, making the fic have a really rewarding ending.

Author: Nade_Naberrie  (signed)
Date posted: 12/29/2004 4:55:58 PM
Nade_Naberrie's Comments:

Lovely viggie!

"They are as sure of the Light's love as I was of the Dark's comfort."

Ooh, that line gave me the chills, it was so wonderful! Care to share your muse with me for a while? ;) Excellent work, rhonderoo, as usual!

Author: LianaMara  (signed)
Date posted: 12/30/2004 6:50:46 PM
LianaMara's Comments:

A very lovely piece, rhonderoo - I think it gets better the more times I read it. I love how you built everything up to that final ending with Padmé in the garden - and I also love how Anakin finally found forgiveness. The cover art is beautiful, too. Great job!

Author: Dawn_Amidala
Date posted: 1/12/2005 5:13:07 PM
Dawn_Amidala's Comments:

I am so happy this made it through to be archived. I read this for you in the early stages and loved it. I am so happy for you. Love the story still. Great story!

Author: Sith in Sombrero
Date posted: 1/20/2005 9:30:37 PM
Sith in Sombrero's Comments:

Fantastic. Ilove how Anakin sees his mistakes and understands he was wrong.

Author: rhonderoo  (signed)
Date posted: 1/25/2005 7:12:31 AM
rhonderoo's Comments:

I know this is a little late, but I'd like to thank my betas, Dawn_Amidala, leia_naberrie, and geo3. You guys are the best!

Thank you for all for reading and the wonderful comments! :)

Author: Anakin Starkiller  (signed)
Date posted: 2/8/2005 10:04:39 AM
Anakin Starkiller's Comments:

I enjoyed this piece a great deal. The Redepmtion of Anakin really seems to be the theme of Return of the Jedi, now with the backstory told, and to see a redeemed Anakin somwhere other than on the ramp of a shuttle or as a ghost at the party is really nice.

These symbols weigh heavily on my mind, having lost my own father not too long ago, who I know had many regrets, and I hope in the end felt redeemed.

Author: Bant428  (signed)
Date posted: 3/15/2005 7:44:38 PM
Bant428's Comments:

"All you ever had to do was forgive yourself" -- *sigh* a wonderful universal truth.

Author: LukesTheMan1000  (signed)
Date posted: 4/8/2005 6:52:23 AM
LukesTheMan1000's Comments:

Beautiful! And a lovely commentary on forgiveness.

Author: sith_magic123
Date posted: 4/26/2005 8:36:26 PM
sith_magic123's Comments:

i'm usually just a lurker but this was so good i just had to come out and say something! It's one of the best i've ever read!

Author: Jessica
Date posted: 5/12/2005 1:44:28 PM
Jessica's Comments:

" It is time for you to come home. "

That part nearly made my eyes welled up. So sad, so sad. It is, really. I mean his fear of entering the garden really hit me and I'm sure alot of others, along with how he overthought his mistakes and his wrong-doings, but still claims that at least his family was what good he did. * sniffle * And with Padme in the garden, you can just imagine the feeling Anakin had just wishing to have her in his arms once again.

Beautifully done !

Author: ObiWanGreatestJedi2688
Date posted: 6/23/2005 12:57:34 AM
ObiWanGreatestJedi2688's Comments:

Wodnerful book really. I agree with the person who commmented right before me. The feeling he must have had when he held Padme for that time in almost 19 years. That's wonderful.

Author: bloodraven77
Date posted: 7/24/2005 2:43:32 PM
bloodraven77's Comments:

Oh this was so touching! I can't say i've read a postmortum tale about Anakin that was quite this good! I really enjoyed his reflections of the past and how in the end he realizes what he must do to move on...

Author: djFusion
Date posted: 1/16/2006 8:56:55 AM
djFusion's Comments:

This was very well written and simple to what it needed to be. I like the idea that Anakin only had to forgive himself and that he was sort of "given" the gift to find the light... which makes a hell of alot more sense than just figuring it out somehow. Nice job!

Author: jedi_knight_nikkits_sky
Date posted: 4/13/2006 1:37:40 PM
jedi_knight_nikkits_sky's Comments:

At poeace at last they are finally back together once again and peace is brought to the galaxy im so happ * tears* i love it is was perfect exacally how the movie should have ended .

Author: Exar_Kun
Date posted: 4/22/2006 2:37:59 PM
Exar_Kun's Comments:

Very good way of portraying Anakin.May the force be with you.

Author: Don Barzini
Date posted: 5/19/2006 3:12:34 AM
Don Barzini's Comments:

Just one word... awesome !

Almost drop a tear...

Author: jeremiah
Date posted: 4/14/2007 4:27:54 PM
jeremiah's Comments:


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Archived: Monday, December 27, 2004

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