Lights come up on a stage with six chairs and a holoprojector. A man struts onto stage in knee-high boots, a rainbow jacket, and lime-green sweatpants, hands held up in victory pose. The audience, off-screen, screams and cheers, then starts chanting.
ANNOUNCER: Live from Bespin, it's Down and Dirty!
AUDIENCE: TOOKAR! TOOKAR! TOOKAR! TOOKAR!
Tookar Futz blows a kiss to someone. She screams ecstatically.
TOOKAR: All right, people, we've got a great show for you on "Down and Dirty" today.
More screaming, then sound of a blaster shot, and the screaming stops. Loud cheers.
TOOKAR (looking amused): All right then. As you know, we have made a name for ourselves by providing the hottest gossip and the dirtiest secrets of the Galaxy's favorite celebrities. Last week, we talked to Bria, who was trying to bring a paternity suit against Han Solo until we pointed out that human males usually didn't produce Rodian babies. This week, we're back to the Rebel ranks with a very unusual guest. You know him as the Rebellion's favorite droid, confidante and mechanic for Luke Skywalker himself. Femmes and gentlemen, I give you...R2-D2!
Wild cheering as R2 rolls out, tootling cheerfully. He stops as someone throws a pair of undergarments on his dome, then whistles flirtatiously. Round of laughter and applause.
Tookar extends a hand, not realizing there's nothing to shake, so he pats R2's dome instead and gets shocked by the shocker arm instead. He jumps, then scampers off to the safety of his chair. R2 follows and takes center stage.
TOOKAR: As I was saying, Artoo here is the confidante of Commander Luke Skywalker, currently going for a bounty of half a million credits. Now, why he is here today is because he is going to tell us the real reason that Vader thinks Skywalker is worth so much. Now, R2, how long have you been with Skywalker?
R2 (subtitled): I've been with the Skywalker family for forty-four years.
TOOKAR: Wow, nearly as old as I...ahem, well, age isn't important. It's not the years but the mileage, eh, ladies?
TOOKAR: So, you were owned by Skywalker's father?
R2: No, stupid, by his mother. Queen Padme Amidala Naberrie of the Naboo.
TOOKAR: Shocking! We've just found out that Skywalker is the illegitimate lovechild of that intergalactic hottie of days gone by...OW! *censored*
R2 (retracting his shocker arm): *censored* Not illegitimate, you *censored*!
TOOKAR: But Anakin Skywalker, hero of the Clone Wars, was a Jedi and not allowed to marry.
R2: Didn't stop them. Hormones and all.
TOOKAR: But this has never been brought to light before. Does Skywalker know he's royalty?
R2: Of course not.
TOOKAR (conspiratorial grin): Why "of course not?"
R2: Because of the Jedi conspiracy.
TOOKAR (rubbing his hands gleefully): Now, this is getting interesting. We've said for years that there was a Jedi conspiracy, but finally we have proof!
R2: Well, Anakin Skywalker has been reported dead for twenty-three years. The Jedi had my counterpart's memory wiped so he'd never tell the scandalous stories of what really happened to Anakin, but they never thought I'd tell all.
TOOKAR: Well, before you go any further, let's bring out the Empire's leading expert on Jedi mortality, Darth Vader.
Band strikes up a jizz version of the ever-popular Palpatine Anthem, heavy on the kloo horn.
Someone throws another undergarment at Vader. He Force-chokes them, drawing a huge cheer from the rest of the audience.
TOOKAR: Welcome, Lord V. Thanks for being here...ack!
Vader has given him a five-second Force-choke.
VADER: That name no longer has any meaning for me.
TOOKAR: Okay, okay! Lord Vader! Welcome. Now, everyone knows that you've been after Skywalker ever since he kicked some Imperial assets at Yavin. Millions have died, trillions of credits have been spent, and you still haven't caught up with him. Isn't it time you gave up?
VADER (deadpan): No comment.
TOOKAR: Maybe you don?t have one, but here?s one from the famous C-3PO.
A holo of Threepio comes up.
THREEPIO: Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative. The Empire may be gracious enough?
An unidentified hand switches him off. More cheers.
VADER: No comment and see that he?s disposed of.
TOOKAR: Well, if you say so, but couldn't you just get a bounty hunter to do your dirty work? Surely this war could have been over by lunchtime if you weren't so obsessed.
VADER: Wouldn't you be obsessed if your kid had been kidnapped?
Gasp and outraged cries from the audience.
TOOKAR: Kidnapped, you say.
VADER: By my old Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
TOOKAR: Oh, so the truth comes out. No chance of getting him to tell his side of the story today?
VADER: Not likely. I killed him myself.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: YOU GO, GIRL!
Vader's posture suggests that he would Force-choke that idiot, but it's more Sithly to let other people suffer that kind of stupidity.
VADER (ignoring audience member): As soon as I killed him, someone yelled "NO!" I looked over and saw my son for the first time. I never even got to see a picture of little Lukie.
VADER: And since then, I haven't seen him again. Can you imagine what that's like, not being able to see your little boy for his whole life?
The sound of someone sniffling through a vocoder. Tookar hands over a tissue and vader dabs at his mask.
VADER: I even bought him presents. See?...
Pulls out a child-sized red lightsaber and a mini-vader mask.
Now the audience is sniffling.
TOOKAR: Well, we'd love to help you reunite with your son, but first let's talk to some of Luke's friends who have their own ideas on why he's been avoiding you all these years. Let's welcome Han Solo, Leia Organa, and Chewbacca!
Mixed boos and cheers. Han is dragged in by stormtroopers, Chewie is dragging dismantled Threepio and growling at everyone, and Leia stumbles in, clutching the wall. They all eventually make their way to center stage and arrange themselves in the seats after pulling them as far away as possible from Vader.
Tookar shakes hands with Han, stunsticks Chewie, and kisses Leia's hand.
SPERRY: How are we doing today?
HAN: I feel terrible.
LEIA: Why are they doing this?
TOOKAR: I assume you all know each other.
LEIA (looking down her nose at him.): TOOKAR, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
TOOKAR (grabs her and dips her for a rather passionate kiss): Charming to the last and then some!
Han slugs him, but is whacked with the rifle of one of the stormtroopers. Leia knees Tookar in the sensitive area.
LEIA (to Han): You certainly have a way with people.
She takes her seat again.
TOOKAR (shivers in excitement): Frosty, like her last mailing address of 1 Wampa Lane, Hoth!
LEIA: Get on with it, nerf-herder.
Han looks hurt.
HAN: I thought I was the nerf-herder.
LEIA: Only when you're scruffy-looking. This bedraggled look just doesn't do anything for me.
Han grumbles something and musses his hair absent-mindedly.
TOOKAR: Now, Leia, how long have you known Luke?
LEIA: Three years. He rescued me from this monster when I was on the Death Star.
Audience cheers. Vader looms. No one notices.
TOOKAR: And what do you have to say about Vader's search for his only son?
LEIA: Come on. Even if it were true, which it can't be, he'd make the world's worst father!
VADER: But we're both Force-strong.
LEIA: Luke doesn't like blowing up planets for a hobby! He doesn't enjoy a nice interrogation session on a boring Friday night!
Vader somehow looks lost.
VADER: But together we could rule the Galaxy as father and son.
LEIA: Oh yeah? And what does your puppetmaster Palpatine think of that?
Vader unclenches his fist and everyone gasps for breath.
VADER: Have I ever told you, Leia, how much you remind me of Luke's mother?
LEIA: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!
R2: NOW WAIT AN OIL-CHANGIN' MINUTE!
Everyone has forgotten that he isn't the garbage receptacle and turns to stare at him.
TOOKAR: You have something to add, Artoo?
R2 (does the nananana sound): You never asked me what happened to Luke's twin sister.
LEIA (Face screwed up): Noooooooooooo! Oh, the humanity! Han, hold me!
She flings herself into Han's arms and starts snogging.
Chewie rolls his eyes and shakes his head before hiding his face in his hands.
VADER (Pulls her off with the Force): Wait a minute, young lady. You're not old enough to hold hands, much less play tonsil smashball!
Leia disengages long enough to kick him in the shins. Both of them scream and crumple to the ground, then remember where they are and grudgingly limp back to their chairs.
LEIA: You don't torture my boyfriend, then talk to me about curfew!
VADER: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww...should have listened?to?Obi-Wan?s celibacy lectures!
LEIA: You're telling me!
She folds her arms and glowers at the audience in general, foot jiggling.
LEIA: See? He's already a horrible father. What makes you think I'm going to tell him where Luke is?
TOOKAR (Grinning): No need! We've got Luke waiting backstage.
LEIA: You've what?!
Han pats her arm.
HAN: Now, Your Highnessness, you don't have to get your metal bikini bottoms in a twist!
LEIA: BACK OFF, NERFHERDER! I just found out the Dark Lord of the Spitwad is dear old Dad and all you can do is tell me to not get my...
She slugs him in the face. He goes cross-eyed, then drops to the floor.
TOOKAR: Well, at least he's the nerf-herder again.
Leia whirls, jabbing a finger at him.
LEIA: And how did you get him here? Was it all that torture? He could feel our pain through the Force?
VADER: No, that was just for fun!
TOOKAR (cowering): He thinks we?re going to help him save you guys!
LEIA: Oh, great.
TOOKAR: If we give you a free makeover, will you not hit me?
LEIA: DON'T TEMPT ME!
AUDIENCE: Chants her name enthusiastically.
Tookar laughs nervously.
TOOKAR: Well, now that we're all on the same datacard, why don't we bring Luke out?
Luke appears in the doorway, glowering just as much as Leia, lightsaber out. A security guard goes to take it away and he threatens the guard with it.
TOOKAR: Looks like he's just as ready for some excitement as us!
Audience: Cheers at deafening levels.
LUKE: What is he doing here?
LEIA: Luke! Don't listen to him...It's a trap! It's a...
A stormtrooper whacks her and she falls, unconscious to the floor.
LUKE: Oh, yeah, like that helps your case any!
TOOKAR: Easy, kid, easy. We're all friends here.
Luke reluctantly shuts down his lightsaber and takes Leia's seat after giving Chewie a high-five.
LUKE: I should have never left Yoda for this.
CHEWIE: You said it, baldie!
THREEPIO: Oh, dear, oh, dear. I'm sitting here in pieces and they're having delusions of melodrama!
Luke hits the off-switch.
TOOKAR: Now, Luke, Vader's lured you here to ask you a very important question. Vader?
Luke doesn't answer, but glowers more.
TOOKAR: Lord Vader?
Collective intake of breath, holding...holding...holding...thuds as people start to keel over.
VADER: Who's your daddy?
Luke fingers his lightsaber.
LUKE: I don't know because YOU KILLED HIM!
VADER: No, I am your father.
Luke bursts into tears.
LUKE: That's not true. That's impossible!
VADER: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Luke sobs for a minute.
VADER: Now, give Daddy a hug!
LUKE: Oh, Daddy!
Runs to him and throws his arms around him.
TOOKAR (Wiping at an imaginary tear): Well, that's all the time we have for today, folks. Be sure to tune in next week for "Daddy Blew My Other Daddy Up!" with Leia Organa.
Fade to black, then blue screen.
ANNOUNCER: "I got hot and heavy with my hottie brother." If you have a story for us, give us a comm at comm code XX0THXDWNDIRT (comm code 8807483863568)
Fade to black.
Original cover by DarthIshtar. HTML formatting copyright 2005 TheForce.Net LLC.