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Gungan to the left

Joy to Sorrow (PG)

By : RebelMom

Archived on: Thursday, December 13, 2001

A first-person Amidala vignette chronicling the loss of a child

They say that it is cyclical. It comes and goes. The only difference is the intensity level. I still feel the pain, Ani. I wish you were here to lessen it.

Are you an angel?

Our joy had reached the heights, only to plummet to the bottom of the waterfall and be smashed to pieces. A royal birth. The whole city of Theed was a buzz. Our happiness was theirs as well. I could see the joy on your face. It was as if you had won the pod race again and again and again. Then labor began and your expression was one of concern. I just smiled and told you not to worry. Women have given birth for millennia. I'd be fine. But you knew something I didn't. Just as well I didn't; you knew it was best.

You were with me in delivery. Hey, I wasn't going to do that alone. For all your strength, I'm sure I about broke the bones in your hands. But I was so tired. They gave me something for the exhaustion, but I wanted to feel our child be born. I wanted to have the whole experience. Then the royal medic broke the water. I didn't realize then why you became so pale, Ani. But I do now. Blood. If I had seen, I would have given up. You knew that. You wouldn't let me give up. I couldn't push anymore, so you did. It hurt, but I knew it would bring our child into the world.

Why was it so quiet, Ani? Our child should have been wailing. Skywalkers are not quiet. I saw the product of our love laid gently on my belly. My vision was blurry. She was pale and still. It's a girl, isn't it? The aide removed her. I already missed the contact. Ani, you were too quiet. Everybody in the room was too quiet. Say something, Ani. Okay, I break the silence. Is it a boy or girl? A girl they said. I was right. Oh, Ani we have our little Shmi. What's wrong, Ani? Then the medic slowly spoke the words that in the back of my consciousness I had been denying. I'm sorry, your highness but your baby is dead.

Instead of sharing cries of joy, Ani, we were sharing tears of grief.

The medic had wrapped little Shmi up in a pink blanket and put a little pink hat upon her head. She couldn't be dead. Then she carried Shmi to me to hold. My only chance to hold her. I unwrapped the blanket and gazed upon her toes. Her toes. Why did I just look at her toes? I was afraid she would break. Then you took her, Ani. You held her and gazed at her as any proud father would. I know you would have been a fine father, Ani, if only given the chance.

Father, help me please.

I don't know what I would have done without you, Ani. You stayed with me and intercepted well wishers. How do you well wish someone over a death? Please don't let anyone say 'You're young. You'll have another.' Shmi was real. Remember, Ani, when she first kicked? You tried to grab her foot but she was fast. She gave me bruised ribs. She gave me nausea, heartburn and hope. Hope for the future. I knew her and wanted to meet her. That meeting was denied. You were there at night when I screamed for my baby.

Just hold me.

I didn't forget your pain, Ani. I know that you needed your mother. She would comfort you and take the pain away. But it wasn't to be. I would be the one to comfort you. I know your heart, Ani. I will do my best to help heal your pain. For I can be strong when necessary. I can be strong for you, Ani.

What does your heart tell you?

Thank you for the physical healing, Ani. When my milk came in, the pain was wretched. Doesn't this body know that there's no baby to feed? I have enough reminders, thank you. But you touched me and it was gone. Emotional healing cannot be done with the wave of a hand. But I worked through it with you, Ani. Even Artoo helped. I remember him rolling around the court preventing young mothers from coming near me. Why was everyone blessed? What did I do wrong?

I've never seen such devotion in a droid.

Then, when I found out I was pregnant again, I couldn't wait to tell you. To share joy again. But you weren't there. I found the data pad about the death of your mother. Panaka told me that you were angry and left the planet. I never saw you again. Oh, Ani, did you notice the dates? Your mother didn't leave you. She went to be with your daughter.

The pain is here again, Ani. But it is different this time. Your children are alive and well. Yes, children. Two for one deal. Luke and Leia. Beautiful. Hey, I would have been ecstatic if they had told me I gave birth to a Wookiee as long as the baby was alive. But the Jedi says they need to be separated and hidden. It is the only way to keep them safe. It's not fair. They should have each other. We should be a family, not fugitives.

To protect you both from the Emperor your were hidden from your father when you were born.

I watch them sleep and I feel hope and joy. I know you would too, Ani. Obi-Wan says you are more machine than man, twisted and evil. I don't believe him. I know who you are underneath the mask, Ani. A monster doesn't have tears. You cannot lie to me; I know you too well. There is good in you. Luke and Leia are so still. A twinge of fear escapes me and I pinch them. They wail. It is music to my ears. If only you could hear them, Ani.

Your thoughts betray you, Father. I feel the good in you. The conflict.

Oh, Ani, why has it come to this? Strangers will raise our son, Luke. At least our little Shmi has her grandmother. Obi-Wan assures me that the Lars couple are good people who will love Luke as their own. I don't want to lose him too. I don't want to deal with the unknown. I won't see him grow. He'll call another Mother. Another will comfort him when he is hurt. He won't know who I am. I don't know if I can deal with that.

I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her.

Alderaan is nice, but it's not Naboo. I miss Theed. The waterfall. Even Jar Jar. I want to turn back the chrono and return to the past. But that is not possible. Would anything really change? Leia is the only bright spot of my existence. I try to picture Luke in my mind's eye. I'm sure he looks like you, Ani. Like father, like son. The cycle has changed again and the intensity is lessened. Our little Shmi appears to me. I can finally smile.

Are you an angel?

No, Ani, I'm not an angel, but our daughter is.

In Memory of Amy Evelyn Wiegand - June 8, 1992.

Original cover design by Julie. HTML formatting copyright 2001 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 9.36 in 88 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Herman Snerd  (signed)
Date posted: 12/13/2001 8:53:39 PM
Herman Snerd's Comments:

One of the most touching fanfics I've had the pleasure to read.

Author: Amidala_Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 12/13/2001 11:18:17 PM
Amidala_Skywalker's Comments:

That was beautiful RM! I remember reading it somewhere, though I just can't quite place it. Bravo, anyhow. I found it especially touching when they lost the child.

Author: Mcily Nochi  (signed)
Date posted: 12/14/2001 5:43:39 AM
Mcily Nochi's Comments:

Wow. That was really beautiful. Thank you for sharing those moments of a mother's love and loss.

Author: Vergere  (signed)
Date posted: 12/14/2001 9:19:03 AM
Vergere's Comments:

Truly exquisite, RM. The cover is beautiful and fits perfectly. It's one of my favorites.

Date posted: 12/15/2001 9:17:22 AM
OBI-JIN-ANI's Comments:

That was lovly, that was very good RM.

Author: Melyanna
Date posted: 12/16/2001 9:48:50 PM
Melyanna's Comments:

*sniffle* I BETAED this story and I'm still sniffling about it! Wonderful job, Mummy... (And yes, I STILL refuse to believe this was your first!)

Mel (still on the verge of tears)

Author: Jedi 2-B
Date posted: 12/17/2001 6:29:34 AM
Jedi 2-B's Comments:

Exceptionally moving story, and very well written. It is something that could have very well happened to contribute to Anakin's downfall.

Author: mara
Date posted: 12/18/2001 3:58:48 AM
mara's Comments:

What a beautifull story It was so real I really felt sorry for padmŔ/amidala

Author: Danie
Date posted: 12/20/2001 1:55:22 AM
Danie's Comments:

A great one. It could've been longer, but still... It was very touching. Have you experienced the loss of a child yourself? I really liked it, so keep up the good standard and write us another.
Love Danie.

Author: Mara*Jade*Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 12/21/2001 2:12:07 PM
Mara*Jade*Skywalker's Comments:

Sad. It was wonderful

Author: Padawan_Di-Lee  (signed)
Date posted: 12/23/2001 7:14:06 PM
Padawan_Di-Lee's Comments:

Wonderfully written and so very heart-wrenching. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

Author: Corran-sec
Date posted: 1/4/2002 9:46:01 AM
Corran-sec's Comments:

that was brilliant, really moving. I liked how you used lines from the films as focal points

Author: Shari
Date posted: 1/24/2002 2:41:45 PM
Shari's Comments:

Oh this was beautiful.
I loved it.
You are and excellent writer.


Author: Marie_Jadewalker
Date posted: 2/16/2002 2:04:58 PM
Marie_Jadewalker's Comments:

Beautifully sad story, Rebel Mom. You have me on the verge of tears. Thank you for sharing it with us.


Author: ArnaKyle
Date posted: 2/25/2002 11:07:30 AM
ArnaKyle's Comments:

Wonderful, RM, so touching, so sad! Fabulous writing, as always. :)

Author: DarthMAD
Date posted: 3/7/2002 12:56:52 PM
DarthMAD's Comments:

Now, i'm not the touchy-feely type of person(no offense intended to what seems like everyone else who bothered to post a comment here), but the story was touching and very real. Anyway, more importantly to me, it introduces an idea that i had never thought of before- an older sibling of Luke and Leia,named for their biological grandmother, dead before entering the world.

Author: Danaka
Date posted: 7/6/2002 2:08:14 PM
Danaka's Comments:

OMG this story actually made me cry. It was so sad. However, I think it was very well written and deffinetely deserves it's spot here in teh Archive.

Author: Angie
Date posted: 7/28/2002 8:51:46 PM
Angie's Comments:

All I have to say is 'amazing'!

Author: Soban Sa
Date posted: 9/18/2002 10:33:18 AM
Soban Sa's Comments:

Wow one of the best FanFics I've Seen

Author: Jules
Date posted: 12/7/2002 10:19:00 AM
Jules's Comments:

Not bad...I have read better stories, but I haven't written any I'll just say "good job"

Author: Kaitu
Date posted: 2/10/2003 9:07:46 AM
Kaitu's Comments:

A touch of realism, with sadness. A thoughtful insite.

Author: Ąclone_trooperĄ
Date posted: 2/22/2003 2:09:34 PM
Ąclone_trooperĄ's Comments:

An excellent story, touching, extremely well written. Terribly sad.

Author: Anilu
Date posted: 5/30/2003 10:53:02 AM
Anilu's Comments:

Wow, a really sad story, really well written

Author: JediMasterMariana
Date posted: 9/11/2003 7:29:40 PM
JediMasterMariana's Comments:

BEAUTIFUL!I actually started to get all teary-eyed when I read that they had lost the baby.

Author: Shidakis
Date posted: 8/1/2004 4:08:41 PM
Shidakis's Comments:

*bawls* It's.. so... SAD! *tears flow* beautiful piece. The mark of a good story is when the emotions are so real that it can make you cry.

Author: BooGrl
Date posted: 3/23/2005 2:48:20 PM
BooGrl's Comments:

Oh...*SOB*...It's so beautiful!*SNIFFLE SNIFFLE SNIFFLE* I was on the verge of tears! So sad, yet, so beautiful. I congragulate you.

May the Force be with you.

Author: Rohit
Date posted: 4/2/2012 5:59:22 PM
Rohit's Comments:

Actually, Chris, not everybody likes Star Wars.The first one is still on my list of the worst films I`ve ever seen.The dguloiae was so bad it made Tyler Perry seem like Shakespeare.Empire was better because George was too tied up with his divorce to meddle much with the Leigh Brackett/Lawrence Kasdan script.All the others are just special effects reels looking for a story.Star Wars was for this old fanboy a missed opportunity.On a more positive note,they did show hollywood that the scifi -fantasy epic was a viable genre.So,I have mixed feelings about it at best but at the end of the day all but one were horrible ,half-witted works.

Author: birmankitties  (signed)
Date posted: 4/3/2013 5:06:29 PM
birmankitties's Comments:

this was so sad

Author: Blackbird Star  (signed)
Date posted: 11/27/2013 10:23:41 PM
Blackbird Star's Comments:

Beautifully tragic. I liked it. I just don't like tragedies, but this one was cool. It made me cry in a good and bad way (if you know what i mean).

Author: debbie maden
Date posted: 12/17/2015 5:27:59 PM
debbie maden's Comments:

I pay tribute to Rebel Mom, my big sister! Yesterday I found one of her stories that a fellow force fan printed for me around the time of her passing and, I finally found my way to this forum. I am touched by her stories, especially this one where she expresses her feelings regarding the loss of her own child. She joined her as an angel in July of 2005. Rebel Mom (Cheryl) may the force continue to be with you and Amy!!!

Author: Precious
Date posted: 1/16/2016 2:19:29 AM
Precious's Comments:

Artlices like this make life so much simpler.

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Comments to RebelMom or post it in the Jedi Council Fanfic Forum.
Archived: Thursday, December 13, 2001

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