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Gungan to the left

Weakening (G)

By : obaona

Archived on: Monday, August 5, 2002

Set during ANH, after Obi-Wan Kenobi's death but before the Battle of Yavin. From Vader's point of view.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead.

Why does that bring me so little satisfaction?

I have hated him for nearly twenty years. With every Jedi I killed, I imagined it was his life I took. I imagined him as I had last seen him: tired, his sweat making his ginger-colored hair stick to his forehead. His Jedi robe lay discarded on the ground and his cream colored clothing was smeared with dirt. And that look in his eyes, a look I have never understood. What was it - grief, anger, or something else?

His eyes had that same look as I struck him down, despite the small smile on his face. I remember it so clearly, the image still fresh in my mind. Cutting him in half, and then his disappearance, which still puzzles me. That blond boy in the hanger bay that I had only gotten a glimpse of - as he had escaped with the princess - and the horrified grief in his shattered scream as Kenobi's empty robe fell to the ground. This new memory should bring me satisfaction, and yet it does not.

Kenobi is dead, the tracking device safely secured on board the princess's ship, and my master is pleased. An eventful day, indeed. I made my way to my quarters, and I enter my sterile world. My quarters are spotless, as always. I permit nothing less; they have to be completely sterile, and so they are. Only a few deaths were needed to teach my subordinates this lesson.

My quarters are all white and black, except for the silver medical equipment. The equipment is one of the few things in my quarters, and takes up most of the space. It is the delicate and extensive machinery that is required to keep me alive. The equipment that keeps my artificial lungs working, and that takes the toxins of my own body out of my blood, as my body is no longer capable of doing these simple things.

Because of Kenobi.

I ignore the medical equipment and the comfort it offers, and walk to another part of my quarters. I look down at an obsidian desk. I ignore everything but a single drawer.

Many years ago, not long after I had realized the truth and left the Jedi, I found a leather-bound journal. It was discarded, lying on the floor of a warehouse used as a haven for the Jedi, when I found it. I flipped it open only one page before I halted, the five handwritten words Property of Obi-Wan Kenobi stopping me. I don't know why his journal was in a hideout of the Jedi, but I knew Obi-Wan was not there, had not been there.

I looked at that first page, and have not looked at it again since.

It has no military value, of that I'm sure. Obi-Wan would never be so sloppy as to put any real information down. It is only his thoughts, his private feelings. I'm not sure why I have felt barred from looking at it for all these years, or why I feel that now is the time to look at it. The look on the blond boy's face creeps into my mind again.

I open to the first page. Property of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I turn the page delicately, aware of the brutal strength I have in my arms and the fragility of the old-fashioned paper.

My Master is dead.

Feeling myself flush and my suit immediately compensate, I quickly flip through about a third of the way through the book, then stop.

Anakin is such a troublesome child.

I feel a fresh rage at these words, at Kenobi's words, but I continue anyway.

He played another prank on me today. A droid dressed in a Jedi's robe, this time. I talked to it for several minutes before I even realized it wasn't a living thing. Anakin, being Anakin, wasted no time at all to tease me about having so little awareness of my surroundings. He's right, of course, but it still irritates me.

I remembered the incident, quite clearly. Obi-Wan had most definitely not been amused with my prank. I flip the page to another entry.

Anakin had an accident with a training lightsaber today, and injured his leg. It must have hurt him pretty badly; he was crying, though he was trying not to show it.

I remembered that day. Yes, I had been crying. However, I was not aware that Obi-Wan knew that. He didn't really seem to notice me all that much, unless he had some duty to perform for me. He was always concentrating on the mission. Duty had been everything to Obi-Wan, no doubt about that.

I brought him to our quarters, helping him walk. I didn't think he would want to be carried, so I didn't ask. I remember how proud I was at that age. I put some ice on the wound to numb it and ease the heat of the burn, and then some bacta to help it heal. I let him get away with not doing his homework, and put him to bed. For once I didn't chastise him about the mess his room is in.

I left, but a few minutes later I found myself coming back. Anakin was asleep. The bond, which we had worked so hard to form, told me that. I walked in, taking care so that Anakin wouldn't wake.

I frown, as I have no memory of his return that night.

I looked down at his young, innocent face, and I realized that I really do love this boy.

I stare at the paper. My heart races, driving breathing to a rate that overrides my suit. I find myself unable to stop reading. I cannot stop, not at this revelation.

In a way, it reminds me of the love I had for Qui-Gon; the love a child has for a parent. But this love for Anakin is infinitely stronger; this love of a parent for his child. I never knew I could love this much. Had Qui-Gon loved me as much as I love Anakin? I knelt by Anakin's bed as he slept, and wondered if Qui-Gon had ever done the same with me.

Qui-Gon had never been overly affectionate towards me. To others, he often appeared cold and uncaring in regards to me, as if they never saw the quick touch to my shoulder, or that small smile that told me he shared my amusement over some situation. Yet he most often showed more concern for the occasional pathetic lifeform he would pick up. It used to bother me that he would show affection for a stranger more easily then he would for his own Padawan.

Now I realize how hard it is to be so vulnerable to someone who knows you and lives with you. To someone that could hurt you so easily. But Anakin was not awake, and I was willing to take advantage of the fact. I slipped closer to him and sighed. I smoothed back his hair, the spikes softly resisting the pressure of my hand. He was so warm, so alive.

I looked at him, and whispered the words I would probably never say when Anakin was awake, even as Qui-Gon might have done with me. "I love you, Anakin."

I really do love this boy.

Full of an emotion that I didn't recognize, I throw the book down. It hit the spotless floor with a thump. I am not satisfied with that.

I use a Force-push, a most effective means to destroy things. The delicate machinery that kept me alive crashed against the far wall with a satisfying sound. The equipment is now in shambles, and I note my destructive capacity with some satisfaction.

It was still not enough. I use the Force to destroy the desk, warping and twisting the dark metal, and I let the darkness fill me - and I find it rejects me, the darkness somehow unable to penetrate my mind and soul completely, as if it had come to a wall. The dark satisfaction of the power it gives me is not present. I stop completely, and become aware that I'm breathing heavily. I should not be. I have not done anything overly strenuous.

The strange emotion fills me again, taking over my soul, until I can feel nothing else. Not even the darkness. I feel suddenly tired. I stagger over to the book, where it still lies on the floor. I pick it up, but don't open it.

The blond boy. I don't know why the Force is prodding me so about him, but it is. I open the book blindly, not looking for any specific page, and my eyes rest on a single part of a single sentence; the grief stricken look of the boy fills my mind. But that image is pushed out, overridden with my own feelings, and all I think of is Obi-Wan, that strange look in his eyes, and those words.

This love of a parent for his child.

And I grieve for the only father that I ever knew.

Original cover design by Cosmic. HTML formatting copyright 2001 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 9.14 in 244 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: Rebekka  (signed)
Date posted: 8/5/2002 4:42:12 PM
Rebekka's Comments:

Wow - just wow. Your story actually inspired me to write me fic. It was very poignant, and I loved all of the little details that you put into the story. This was great writing.

Author: JediShampoo  (signed)
Date posted: 8/5/2002 4:45:00 PM
JediShampoo's Comments:

Nice job-- I wonder if Obi-Wan left it there on purpose? Thanks for sharing that little bit of Anakin-angst. :)

Author: Chinook Zeh
Date posted: 8/5/2002 7:13:15 PM
Chinook Zeh's Comments:

Eee - goodness. Just.. goodness.. *Likes it* ^^" *Flutter* *Squish* =D

Author: ObiWanGirl
Date posted: 8/5/2002 11:15:59 PM
ObiWanGirl's Comments:

wow, I always knew someone would write a story like this. I would have, and I have, but they all suck compared to this! These stories are the only reason i read fan fiction, the angst, love, ect... And the author even took a park of Rouge Planet and added it to the book! That is what I love about fan fiction, the ideas that will never be made into movies, are most often the best.

EDIT: Sorry, posting links is not allowed.

Author: Jira
Date posted: 8/6/2002 10:39:43 AM
Jira's Comments:

Hey! I still LOVE this story!!!! It's truly awesome writing! I've never told you this, but your writing is truly inspiring! May the Force be with you.

Author: Silent Darth
Date posted: 8/6/2002 12:19:20 PM
Silent Darth's Comments:

I normally wouldn't like this, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to think it was too mushy, but it wasn't. A great story.

Author: Darth_Reaper
Date posted: 8/6/2002 5:05:32 PM
Darth_Reaper's Comments:

Amazing... just amazing
i haven't read much fanfiction and happened to come across this by chance
so it just completely caught me off-guard
i thought that this piece was very moving and insightful, because not only do you see the normally malevolant vader show that he is tortured by all those conflicting emotions but also explained some details of the relationship between the jedi and their padawans,
for a jedi, his work would be his life, so he would have to not let his compassion for his charge grow into parental affection, because of the code that he must live by,
i'll be sure to look at more fanfics by Obaona
keep up the great work

Author: matth2extreme
Date posted: 8/6/2002 6:03:25 PM
matth2extreme's Comments:

Hey Laura, love this work! Im glad to say I was able to beta it, thanks for all the help you've given me!

Author: Viari Skywalker  (signed)
Date posted: 8/7/2002 10:08:37 AM
Viari Skywalker's Comments:

I had a chance to beta this work, but unfortunately I had too much going on in my busy life. I did, however, read it quickly when I received it and I was impressed even then. Good work! I liked how Vader found Obi-Wan's journal and saw how the Jedi had loved him. Vader is my favorite character, so I love seeing things written from his perspective. In my own mnd, I cannot really picture Vader "grieving" for Obi-Wan, but that is just me. I imagine that he might feel even more angry with Obi-Wan. But I can imagine Vader remembering how much he cared for Obi-Wan when he still went by the name Anakin Skywalker, and that makes it more believable to me. Ok, sorry if that didn't make any sense. Enough of my nonsensical chatter. You did an awesome job and I hope to see more of your work!

Author: Khylea
Date posted: 8/12/2002 9:54:37 PM
Khylea's Comments:

Whoa. Powerful writing. Interesting insight into their relationship. I've felt very strongly that Obi-wan always did love Anakin, his fond remembrances of him to Luke even 20 years later proved that to me, but that he didn't know how to show it to him. Kinda makes you wonder if Anakin still would have turned to the dark side if he'd known how much Obiwan loved him.

Author: AmericanIdolSimon
Date posted: 8/13/2002 10:07:23 PM
AmericanIdolSimon's Comments:

The story is good - but someone needs to start proof reading these things.

Author: Force Master
Date posted: 8/14/2002 11:46:22 PM
Force Master's Comments:

i so loved this story! how sad and moving! it sounds to me like maybe Obi Wan put his journal in the warehouse because of anikan. It pretty much starts out with anikan (my master is dead). and it must have ended sometime after anikan left the jedi if thats when he found it.
anyway, you did a great job!!! i loved it!

Author: starrider
Date posted: 8/26/2002 6:29:48 PM
starrider's Comments:

sad but neat. in the movies you don't really get to see Obi-wan's effection for Anakin. but it is really nice know that he did love him like a son.

Author: jedisister
Date posted: 8/27/2002 7:05:07 PM
jedisister's Comments:

Tear-jerker. Especially as a parent who can relate to "the love of a parent for a child."
Really good.

Author: Darth Tyranus
Date posted: 8/29/2002 5:00:05 PM
Darth Tyranus's Comments:

I thought this story was excellent. It included alot of detail and the emotion placed in this story was incredible. I really enjoyed the bond that Obi-Wan felt towards Anakin and the then the sudden anger that filled Vader at the end. This was an awesome piece of writing.

Author: grumpy2348
Date posted: 9/2/2002 8:02:27 AM
grumpy2348's Comments:

This is an amazing story! I hope you write more. I would love to see what else is in that book! I really think you got a good image of the way Anikin would react. Great Job!

Author: Chip
Date posted: 9/11/2002 9:50:19 AM
Chip's Comments:

Hey, I like this story. Good picutre of the Anakin seen in Episode 2. But, it kind of screws with my understanding of the Dark Side in the Star Wars Universe. I don't think Vader would care about how Obi-Wan felt after 20 years, he was a Sith and just plain evil. Hey, but it was still an awesome story.

Author: Kitt
Date posted: 9/18/2002 2:16:50 AM
Kitt's Comments:

Aw, this was great! I loved it from start to finish. I always enjoy stories with portray the depth of Vader's character, and I liked the way Luke was haunting his thoughts as well.

Author: vader-incarnate  (signed)
Date posted: 9/22/2002 12:22:54 AM
vader-incarnate's Comments:

I realized that I've never said how much I love this. Well, I do. It is so touching, so sad. I really love your writing, obaona. But you know that, I hope. :)

Author: FourthNail  (signed)
Date posted: 10/1/2002 2:31:53 PM
FourthNail's Comments:

As the proud father of a six month old son, this hits home. Very, very good stuff.


Author: nadegirl
Date posted: 10/3/2002 6:44:16 PM
nadegirl's Comments:

It is a rare fanfic that can make a tear slip down my cheek. This is one of them. I love the whole Obi-Ani father/son relationship. Keep writing!

Author: Blucola
Date posted: 10/20/2002 12:29:12 PM
Blucola's Comments:

The thing that I really loved about this fiction, is that it opens Vader up to the notion of familial love again, *before* he meets Luke. You brought a tear to my eye with the last two lines, VWD.

Author: fett
Date posted: 1/5/2003 6:20:50 PM
fett's Comments:

oh my gosh. Amazing. Inspiring. So sad. I don't usually like 1st person vader stories, but this is gripping. I've visited it at least three times.

Author: Siri Ruane
Date posted: 1/10/2003 1:50:59 PM
Siri Ruane's Comments:

I love it! I love it! I love it! I love it!
This is one of the best yet Oba!
I love it!

Author: Jedi Dax Jentor
Date posted: 1/24/2003 2:05:43 PM
Jedi Dax Jentor's Comments:

Amazing. I think this truly is amazing.

Author: Admiral Drake
Date posted: 2/6/2003 10:03:23 AM
Admiral Drake's Comments:

Great we all knew that ani was buried deep in there and this must have at lest helped set his thoughts on betraying the emperor and scracfing his life to atone for his actions

Author: crystalrain
Date posted: 2/8/2003 1:59:44 AM
crystalrain's Comments:

Love it! You really capture the bond between Obi-wan and Anakin/Vader.

Author: Kristy
Date posted: 2/8/2003 6:33:45 PM
Kristy's Comments:

this is a really great fic.. kinda sad but it realy goes into obi wans emotions

Author: Nade_Naberrie
Date posted: 2/18/2003 6:11:26 PM
Nade_Naberrie's Comments:

*tears!!!* This is by far the saddest fic I've every read! This is my second time, and I'm still crying! Stars, oba! Well, good job!

Author: Jenos  (signed)
Date posted: 3/13/2003 3:10:27 AM
Jenos's Comments:

I'm afraid that I must echo what V_I said (now that I'm getting around to commenting on your fics - I know, I know), in that I haven't said how much I love this fic, and all of your work.

Mind you, dearest, you should have gathered that by now, even if I haven't said it so bluntly!

Author: Senator Leia  (signed)
Date posted: 6/15/2003 8:48:29 PM
Senator Leia's Comments:

Awesome job!!!

Author: Ani-maniac  (signed)
Date posted: 12/28/2004 7:39:18 PM
Ani-maniac's Comments:

That was so cool!!!! It was wonderfully written, and really shows that Anakin is closer to the surface than Vader would ever admit. I also liked the hint at a father's love for a child, as Vader keeps thinkingof Luke. Awsome!!!!

Author: me_luv_darth_squishy
Date posted: 7/30/2005 6:40:55 PM
me_luv_darth_squishy's Comments:

Wow. I know it's been a year since somebody comented but I had to say something in recognition of this awesome and very powerful and still at the same time very touching story. I don't normally hold for stories that make me hate Anakin for his decision, but this made me think for a minute that maybe there's enough hate inside of me and that maybe I need to love a little more. Thank you.


Add a comment about this fan fiction

Comments to obaona or post it in the Jedi Council Fanfic Forum.
Archived: Monday, August 5, 2002

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