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Gungan to the left

What You Have (G)

By : SoloGirl

Archived on: Monday, March 31, 2003

As Han searches for Luke on Hoth, Princess Leia starts to realize what the two men have come to mean in her life.

When Alderaan died, my whole heart died with it.

At least, that's what I told myself- and I believed it, too. I could see myself going through the years; a decorous, dignified leader whose sole devotion was to the Rebellion and to the New Republic I would help build afterward. And whenever this vision was accompanied by a twinge of loneliness, a longing for Alderaan and family and everything I had lost, I would remind myself that it?s what Father would have wanted. So then I'd work harder, stay up later, and bury myself in anything to block out that longing and those memories. The Rebellion was my family now; all I had left to live for, and I vowed to defeat the Empire.

There was a catch, though. During the sleepless, guilt-ridden nights that followed the destruction of my planet, the pain of losing Alderaan became almost too much to bear. Never again, I promised myself, would I give anyone or anything the chance to hurt me like that. And it seemed I had the perfect solution to that problem: not letting anybody get too close. Of course, I had dozens of acquaintances- but never friends. There were professional associations- but no relationships. And for a long time, I managed to convince myself that I was happy; that that's what I wanted.

It was a waste of time.

As usual, fate had other things in mind for me. A few short hours after the destruction of my world, my new life began- although I didn?t realize it then. As I tried to gather my courage while waiting for my impending 'termination,' an arrogant smuggler and an innocent, wide-eyed farm boy stormed their way into my life. It didn?t take me long to accept the rescue attempt, but I?m just starting to realize the effect they?ve had on my life.

Luke is sweet, considerate, thoughtful?he's like a brother to me and subconsciously, I've begun to let myself love him like a brother. Sometimes it feels like he can read my mind. That should be a little intimidating, or at least unnerving, but it's not. Maybe it's because of his Jedi powers, maybe it's just those baby-blue eyes, but from the minute he burst into my Death Star prison cell with his "I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you," I?ve just felt this connection between us. We never argue, we have all the same beliefs and ideals, and despite having completely different backgrounds, we have very similar outlooks on life. It's wonderful to have a friend like that, someone I can talk to when I've had a rough day. I've even shared some of my guilt over Alderaan, and while it hasn't made the pain go away, it did feel good just to talk about it.

Han, on the other hand?

He drives me crazy a hundred times a day. He stands up to me- and I know I can be a little bossy sometimes- insists I pull my own weight, and never lets me forget that he's "in this for the money." Whenever he addresses me- which he never does by my real name, by the way- he makes my title sound like an insult. I've probably spent half of our time together wanting to kill him.

But the thing is, he understands me.

Which is sort of a scary thing, because it must mean that we're fundamentally alike in some ways. Which I refuse to admit. But Han realizes that I hate it when people walk on eggshells around me, that though I may have my problems, I'm perfectly capable of "pulling my own weight," and that I work hard so I don't have to think about Alderaan and how I failed my people. Sometimes, when he doesn't think I'm watching, I catch him giving me this look. If I didn't know any better I'd almost think?but I don't want to think about that. Anyway, it probably doesn't mean anything. He'll be leaving soon enough.

Up until now I've taken their friendship for granted. All this time I've been telling myself that I was remote.



But who have I been kidding?

They've been out in the cold for?four hours, twenty-eight minutes, and thirteen seconds. Their tauntauns have probably died, which means that hypothermia could have set in by now, they could have been attacked?they could even be dead out there right now?

But I can't let myself follow that line of thought. It's too dangerous. I was right about getting close to people- it does make you vulnerable.

But I'm starting to think there's nothing wrong with that.

The whispering of two nearby officers breaks into my thoughts. It's getting late, and I know they want to close the shield doors for the night. They're waiting for my permission. Looking around the base, I know they're right. They should have been closed hours ago. Remember Leia, I can hear my father's voice inside my head, the welfare of the community comes before the good of a few people. Unwillingly, reluctantly, the responsible leader in me takes her place and I nod.

Slowly those metal doors are closing and I still can't help but hope that Han and Luke will come crashing in at the last minute- the way they came crashing into my prison cell and my life. Sometimes it seems-


The minute the doors close with that resounding slam, accompanied by Chewie's mournful wail, something inside of me snaps. And suddenly, I know what I've been trying to deny to myself for so long.

Try as I might, I can?t stop caring about people. I need Han and Luke in my life. I care about them both in different ways. The clich? is true. You never know what you have until you lose it.

My wrist chrono beeps, bringing my thoughts back to the tasks at hand. My night shift starts in five minutes, there's a pile of work on my desk to do afterward, then a meeting for Alliance Personnel, and four hours of sleep after that if I'm lucky- as if I could sleep now! And when I wake up, they might be dead.

You never know what you have until you lose it.

Please, don't let me lose it.

Original cover art by Cosmic. HTML formatting copyright 2003 TheForce.Net LLC.

Fan Fiction Rating

Current Rating is 8.86 in 72 total ratings.

Reader Comments

Add a comment about this Fan Fiction

Author: bubbleyicious
Date posted: 3/31/2003 10:08:33 PM
bubbleyicious's Comments:

I like fan fiction, because it gives the chance to explore the character's inner thoughts; things you can't pick up on film, but can only imagine. Leia is one of my very favorite characters because she is so complex. Well written and insightful!

Author: Elinon Bybeth  (signed)
Date posted: 4/1/2003 12:53:39 AM
Elinon Bybeth's Comments:

The final line!! You almost broke my heart.
Beautiful piece which really allows us to empathise with Leia.
Lovely, Sologirl-keep at it!

Author: Cosmic  (signed)
Date posted: 4/1/2003 7:05:02 AM
Cosmic's Comments:

Wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Makes me want to go watch the movie yet again... Hope to see more of your work soon!


Author: Lady Padme
Date posted: 4/1/2003 7:20:56 AM
Lady Padme's Comments:

Absolutely lovely! You really captured Leia's voice down perfectly. Great job!

Author: Niki  (signed)
Date posted: 4/1/2003 1:54:47 PM
Niki's Comments:

Wow, that was great! I could 'hear' Leia saying these things to herself. Good work!

Author: SoloGirl
Date posted: 4/1/2003 2:56:42 PM
SoloGirl's Comments:

Thanks guys, I'm glad you liked it! A big thank-you to all my wonderful betas and my cover artist- you know who you are, and I love you guys!!

Author: Fish
Date posted: 4/1/2003 3:21:01 PM
Fish's Comments:

This is a great fanfic! I love the last line because it gives you a sense of completion and at the same time some food for thought.

Author: Bobilll
Date posted: 4/1/2003 3:24:57 PM
Bobilll's Comments:

Hey, congratulations! Glad to see it got archived! I love this as much as I did the first time I read it... very nice insight on Leia's feelings for those two men...

Author: bundy397
Date posted: 4/2/2003 6:20:05 AM
bundy397's Comments:

Wow! I thought your story was great! Way to shead light on what may have been going through Leia's mind during that brief scene in ESB. Keep writing!

Author: MoriahthePariah
Date posted: 4/2/2003 8:53:42 AM
MoriahthePariah's Comments:

A beautiful little story, such grace with words. Despite the fact that the outcome is already known, this didn't diminish the slight wash of emotion that ran through me with that last line. You are a masterful artist.

Author: Princess Beccerz
Date posted: 4/2/2003 5:03:29 PM
Princess Beccerz's Comments:

Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. It just tells me that I am not the only one who sees the value of loving someone. You voiced Leia's thoughts so clearly, it was almost like she was saying those things to me in person. Great job, and I hope to see more of your work.


Author: jedi_michele
Date posted: 4/2/2003 6:25:48 PM
jedi_michele's Comments:

i only had to picture the movie scene in my mind and i could totally see Leia saying all of those things. you did a wonderful job at capturing how Leia really is. hope to see more of ur work!

Author: JediPug1  (signed)
Date posted: 4/2/2003 8:16:06 PM
JediPug1's Comments:


Author: Emmi
Date posted: 4/3/2003 5:39:39 AM
Emmi's Comments:

This is a lovely story! You almost never see this side of Leia. Bravo, and I'll look for more work from you!


Author: Gabri_Jade  (signed)
Date posted: 4/3/2003 11:43:51 AM
Gabri_Jade's Comments:

Truly lovely. This is a very eloquent look at Leia's inner self, and powerfully written. Absolutely loved it.

Author: Blazer  (signed)
Date posted: 4/5/2003 2:23:46 PM
Blazer's Comments:

Excellent fic! Truly wonderful. You give Leia a whole new depth in this one. Great job!

Author: Wilhelmina  (signed)
Date posted: 4/6/2003 10:21:36 AM
Wilhelmina's Comments:

Glad to see this archived! It was a pleasure to beta. This vignette adds a lot of depth and emotion to that single moment -- that "Clang!" -- at the beginning of ESB. Lovely work!

Author: beef-somerset
Date posted: 4/7/2003 4:34:45 AM
beef-somerset's Comments:

very good i alway was and still are a big leia fan. hope to read more like this soon

Author: Jedi_Phoenix  (signed)
Date posted: 4/8/2003 5:37:40 PM
Jedi_Phoenix's Comments:

A great insite into Leia's feelings while waiting to hear news about Han and Luke.

Author: sashask8ter
Date posted: 4/19/2003 9:41:20 PM
sashask8ter's Comments:

Love the end note, "Please don't let me lose it."

Author: Cat
Date posted: 5/6/2003 8:11:40 AM
Cat's Comments:

This was amazing! I loved the insight into Leia's thoughts and her feelings for the two men in her life. I'm trying to write an ESB Leia fic myself, and this scene wasn't a quarter as good as your version.

Author: Mcily Nochi  (signed)
Date posted: 9/13/2003 7:11:57 PM
Mcily Nochi's Comments:

Wow. What a great insight into Leia! She's always been my favorite character, hands-down, and this is exactly how I've always imagined her thoughts during that scene.

Great job. I am very impressed.

Author: monkeygirl
Date posted: 11/13/2003 3:38:06 PM
monkeygirl's Comments:

good job!

I love the way you describe Luke in the story, as if every thought of hers is true!

And I also like her thoughts about Han...She doesn't know she'll be marrying the guy!

Author: The Stormtrooper Shrink  (signed)
Date posted: 2/15/2004 5:35:47 PM
The Stormtrooper Shrink's Comments:

You have Leia so well in this - well done! I love how she thinks of the two guys...But then, you have a headstart on her, don't you!

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Archived: Monday, March 31, 2003

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