Author: Miss Rainstorm
Date posted: 6/1/2004 11:55:27 AM
Miss Rainstorm's Comments:
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. It was very short, but that didn't detract from the story at all. Wonderful insight about Vader falling, I absolutely loved the tunnel idea. My only question is who was telling the story? It's powerfull being anonymous, but it does leave you wondering.
Once again, well done! More, more, more!
Author: Lord Maul
Date posted: 6/3/2004 5:39:34 PM
Lord Maul's Comments:
Wow. That is quite possibly the best fanfic I've read in months. I loved how you put a physical connection between the light and dark side. Very, very cool. I gave it a 10/10. The only problem I found was that Anakin falls on Mustafar, not Geonosis. Mustafar is like this volcanic planet. But hey, that's why its called fanFICTION. We can't get picky. If you think he fell on Geonosis, then he fell on Geonosis.
I totally agree with Miss Rainstorm. YOU. MUST. WRITE. MORE! ;-)
Author: a fan of fanfics
Date posted: 6/3/2004 6:19:19 PM
a fan of fanfics's Comments:
i thought it was wonderful
i think what u might have meant about falling on geonosis is how he lost his sanity i guess u could say there and he did lose his arm there
Date posted: 6/3/2004 11:33:37 PM
I didn't find it very good. The flow-of-consciousness style is a great one--but hard to pull off. Try for a more emotionally-charged piece next time.
-The first line was a good hook.
-The next two paragraphs were painful, and didn't flow well with the rest of the story. They should be removed, replaced with a follow of the hook using another "I wonder" or "why?!" paragraph. Then take the information in there and weave it into the first 2 to 5 paragraphs.
-The problem people are having with identity is that the story changes voice constantly. It seems at times to be writen from the viewpoint of a very small child, yet the background information (being approximately the same age as Anakin) and some of the text suggests someone in his/her 20s. Having a child as the narrator is GOOD--it adds emotional clarity and ease of writing. Instead of making it seem more adult, simply add and remove details and background until the character seems to be a child.
-The last two lines were great.
I hope I have been of help.
Date posted: 6/4/2004 12:20:34 AM
I liked it alot :) i thought it was really well written and I also think you should keeo writing, great job keep it up hehe!
P.S. Hey Griffen dude, if you come back... Wanna Beta read for me lol jk :) but you would be good at it (: hehe
Date posted: 6/4/2004 5:46:37 PM
I really liked this, Kryste. I definitely found it a little odd the first time I read it, but in a good way. ;) I also think it's interesting how you have that strange mix of adult and child-like thoughts. I imagine Jedi children really would be that way, because of the way they're raised - still children, but expected to act like adults in many ways.
Anyway. This is lovely. :)
Date posted: 6/5/2004 7:45:21 PM
Actually, Anakin begins the fall on Tatooine when he kills all the sandpeople.
Date posted: 6/5/2004 8:07:10 PM
Firstly, my greatest thanks go to my two beta readers, Miana Kenobi and my sister Jerikor. Thank you both so much for looking this over for me. I can't believe it got in on the first try. Secondly, thank you to obaona, who did the cover art. It's beautiful, oba!
And thirdly, thanks for the comments, guy. To Griffen, although I don't agree with some of your comments, I thank you for taking the time to give such a wonderful review. :)
Ack! Spoiler! *covers ear* I am spoiler-free, and shall remain that way. The thought of Anakin falling on Geonosis is my choosing. He's fallen there in another fanfiction of mine as well.
And thank you again!
Date posted: 7/17/2004 11:40:07 AM
For what it's worth, I thought it was brilliant and gave it a 10! This is one of the best child perspective stories I've read. I think they're hard to do, but this one's great. The way the narrator keeps trying to reason with himself using the metaphorical tunnel the Masters have taught him is great. It's clear this person isn't old enough to understand what literally happened, and it was heartbreaking to hear the story through the eyes of a child who's lost a friend and doesn't know why his friend can't come back. I really loved this piece!
Date posted: 10/23/2007 2:48:00 PM
Very poignant viggie, powerful as well.